Entries categorized as ‘Uncategorized’
Thanks again for taking my survey and offering input on what content to include here at Marriage Gems. We have a great diversity of readers–in geography, in age, and in marriage status or length of marriage. Respondents come from every area of the United States, as well as Canada, Australia and the Philippines. Sixty-one percent of you are aged 30 to 50; 21% are between 20 and 30; and 16% are older than 50. The rest are younger than 20.
I was surprised at the number of single or engaged readers we have–more than 16%. Your future spouses are lucky you care enough about the topic to become more informed. Most respondents have been married one to twenty years. Almost 15% have been married 21 to 30 years, and 5% have been married more than 30 years. So there is some real wisdom and life experience in this group!
I appreciate your suggestions for topics. The most popular topics include marriage skills education and tips (finance, communication, listening, forgiveness, etc.). In the skills area, several people requested more topics on keeping the passion and romance alive. The next most popular topic requested was stories and examples from successful couples interviewed. Nearly tying were requests for research-based marriage tips, marriage advice from the experts, and personal insights from yours truly. About 8% requested more marriage research and trends along with marriage book reviews.
As for frequency, 61% prefer twice a week, while 39% prefer three or five times a week. I will plan to maintain 2-3 posts per week, generally on Monday/Wednesday and Fridays.
I will keep all these preferences in mind in my planning, and again I appreciate your time in responding. As always, feel free to email me through the contact page, or post a comment on any post. I read and respond personally to each request. Also, keep in mind that there is a search on the home page so you can access content on topics of interest.
Finally, please consider sharing the blog or a post you like with friends you feel could benefit. I wish you all marital bliss!
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: blog survey, Survey
Wondering why your husband is often more cynical or distrusting than you? Blame it on his higher level of testosterone. Scientists say increasing testosterone levels reduces interpersonal trust.
Researchers at Cape Town University found that testosterone supplements given to women appeared to “harden them up,” make them less open and less trusting. Those involved in the study believe men over time required more testosterone, which makes men physically strong and aggressive, and also helps them be wary of danger or unscrupulous individuals. Women, on the other hand, have been socialized to be more cooperative and helpful to others.
The findings were published recently in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Dr. Jack van Honk, a psychologist at Cape Town University, said that testosterone increases social vigilance in order to prepare them for competition and fights for resources.
Researchers said: “In the same way that we have evolved capacities to help others, we have also evolved capacities to deceive and cheat. Thus, those who are willing to believe what others say, or fail to probe the motivations underlying their actions, may fall prey to considerable economic and social costs.”
“Consequently, testosterone increased social vigilance in trusting humans, presumably to better prepare them for the hard-edged competition over status and valued resources.”
To test the theory, researchers gave testosterone pills and dummy pills to 24 women aged about 20 and then asked them to rate the trustworthiness of strangers’ faces on a scale from -100 (very untrustworthy) to +100 (very trustworthy).
The half of volunteers who rated faces as most honest after the placebo scored the photographs an average 10 points – or five per cent – lower after ingesting testosterone. In other words, the volunteers became less trusting after taking the testosterone, but not after taking a placebo. Read more about the testosterone study.
These results may give you some insight into the different social interactions you and your spouse have with others. It may also help you understand why men may be less trusting of others, while women may be more trusting. Don’t be so quick to judge one another, as our hormonal regulation may be at play in assessing our environment and others around us.
On the other hand, some of us have been hurt by others we have trusted. So the “school of hard knocks” may have also made us less trusting. Which do you think causes more distrust—our experiences or our biology?
Does this research surprise you? Do you find you and your spouse have different levels of trust or cynicism?
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Marriage Research · Relationships · Uncategorized
Tagged: better relationships, improve marriage, Love, Marriage, men and testosterone, men are more cynical, men are more distrustful, Relationships, testosterone causes distrust, testosterone study, women and testosterone
I’m reposting this from January in honor of Memorial Day. Thanks to all our service men and women for their dedication and bravery. The Stoners also provided strategies for keeping their family strong during the deployment and reintegration. Share with military friends and family. Have a happy and safe weekend.
I was very fortunate to get to know a military couple from Zionsville, Indiana, named Timothy and Tiffany Stoner, who will be profiled in my upcoming book. Tiffany managed well during her husband’s deployment to Iraq. Meanwhile, Army National Guardsman Maj. Timonthy Stoner served valliantly as a commander and helicopter pilot of Indiana’s first Black Hawk unit, which rescued both injured soldiers and insurgents, at times coming under fire. (His unit saved 1,500 people during 1,000 combat missions and suffered no casualties.)
On the home front, despite having four young children to care for, including two infant twins, Tiffany focused on what she was grateful for during Tim’s absence and developed some very useful strategies for maintaining a positive attitude. She also benefited from a large support network of friends, family and neighbors who continually helped her and her family. When Tim and his unit returned home after nearly a year (see family picture by Nathan Rowe), they had a renewed sense of appreciation for one another and for their family.
Unfortunately, this family’s success isn’t always the case. A new study from Washington says women whose husbands were deployed have higher rates of mental illness than other military wives. “There’s a very clear relationship between the deployment and these mental health diagnoses in these women,” said the study’s lead author, Alyssa Mansfield.
For women whose husbands were deployed 11 months or longer, their wives had a 24 percent higher rate of depression. This isn’t very surprising when you place yourselves in the position of a woman, likely with children, who is concerned every day of every month for the safety of her beloved spouse and the father of her children. In addition, she essentially becomes a single parent with all the stress that entails. It’s amazing that some women don’t get depressed, actually.
It really puts in perspective the small things we complain about in our home lives when we consider the challenges these military families face daily. The soldier isn’t the only one deployed on an unknown mission; the spouse and children face intense pressures and fears. My family sends our thoughts and prayers for the soldiers and families regularly. Also, remember that some of the spouses left behind are men; they need your support as well.
If you know a military family, offer your support in concrete ways, such as mowing the yard in the summer or shoveling snow in the winter, or offer to babysit or run errands so the spouse can get a break. Invite him or her over for a cup of coffee, and listen to what they are going through.
The Stoners maintained a blog during the deployment and have recently compiled posts and reflections, along with photos by Nathan Rowe, into a book called “FamilyPrint: A Family’s Unique Reflections During War.” For details, go to FamilyPrint.org.
Do you have any military friends or family you want to encourage? Feel free to praise them here on this blog, or send them a personal note of thanks. We owe them a debt of gratitude.
Tim Stoner with his son, Briggs, then 7. Photos by Nathaniel Edmunds Photography.
Categories: Family · Marriage · Uncategorized
Tagged: families managing deployment, Memorial Day, military families, military marriages, prevent military divorces, reintegrating strategies
We’re coming up on a busy Memorial weekend, when so many of us spend time with family and close friends. It’s a great time to reconnect. Unfortunately you’ll also hear plenty of griping about spouses. Don’t join in the fray.
Particularly when a marriage is on the rocks, but also when you’ve just had a disagreement or conflict with your spouse, it’s natural to want to air your feelings with friends, parents, siblings or others close to you. But beware of this tendency, says Michele Weiner-Davis, marriage counselor and author of best-selling Divorce Busting® books and tools.
Imagine that you share with your family that you suspect your husband of an affair, or you think your wife drinks too much. Or you confide in close friends that you have a lousy sex life, and that your husband isn’t concerned for your needs. When you share these details, Weiner-Davis says those close to you will take your side and may even encourage a divorce. They are only hearing your side, and they may think they have your best interests in mind. If and when you and your spouse choose to work on your marriage, and even make great strides or changes, guess who won’t forget all the bad stuff you shared?
“Their loyalty to you blinds them from seeing or understanding the context in which the marital problems have developed over time,” says Weiner-Davis. They likely won’t consider how your actions may have contributed to the problem.
Then when you change your mind about your marriage, and decide you love him or her after all, you may face resistance from those close to you about wanting to reconcile. Despite significant improvements in your marriage, you may have created a community that can’t truly support your marriage. They may even be vocally opposed to it.
“Once a cheater/liar, always a cheater/liar,” or “You’re being brainwashed to stay,” may be the spoken or unspoken words of your allies, says Weiner-Davis. She says situations like this are not uncommon in her marital counseling, and she provides some specific examples in her article “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Your Family.” Sometimes, a family never comes around to supporting a marriage after they learn of transgressions they believe are unforgivable.
Weiner-Davis says if you sense your family members or friends are becoming biased toward you, “it’s wise to limit complaints about your marriage and consult with a therapist instead. (Make sure you hire a marriage-friendly therapist.) Believe you can improve your marriage, and work to do so. Weiner-Davis says “the vast majority of divorces in this country are unnecessary, because most relationship problems are solvable.” She would know, since the couples she counsels are often on the brink of divorce. (I’ll share a story next week by a friend who saved her marriage from disaster.)
I love the quote she shares by David Ben-Gurion, “Anyone who doesn’t believe in miracles is not a realist.”
Whether you are married or single, in a strong or troubled marriage, when you hear other people complaining about their spouse, think about at least being neutral, at best being a support to the marriage. As long as you don’t feel there is abuse going on, be an encouragement for reconciliation. Be supportive, and seek solutions.
Have you made the mistake of sharing something about your marriage that you wished you could take back? I have. I learned pretty early in my marriage to keep marital arguments private. Generally in a day or two, I’ve forgotten about them anyway. If I really do want advice or listening ear, I try to choose someone who’s more neutral and pro-marriage. How about you, do you have someone who gets to hear all your marriage secrets?
Categories: Books · Communication · Family · Marriage · Relationships · Uncategorized
Tagged: better marriage, Communication, communication in marriage, confiding too much with family and friends, divorce busting, Family, Love, managing conflict in marriage, marital conflict, Marriage, marriage advice, prevent divorce, Relationships, sharing marriage problems with family, spouses
A new study called “You Can’t Be Happier than Your Wife: Happiness Gaps and Divorce” suggests that too large of a happiness gap between husbands and wives can be very problematic. It concluded when the husband is much happier than his wife, she is more apt to leave; whereas, when a wife is much happier than her husband, they are much less likely to divorce.
The study, published in Germany, used data from tens of thousands of relationships in Germany, Australia and Great Britain. The researchers (who were experts in economics and wellbeing) measured happiness indicators having to do with lifestyle satisfaction.
Since wives are much more likely to file for divorce than are husbands (two-thirds of divorces are filed by women), perhaps the result shouldn’t be surprising than when women were very unhappy they were more likely to divorce. I wanted to dig deeper to see if women were being unfair or if there seemed to be valid reasons for this discrepancy.
Researchers found the happiness gap increased when the wife handled most of the housework, if her income was higher than average, or if the husband and wife had different social backgrounds. The gap was smaller in couples where the husband and wife had similar backgrounds, shared chores, or if the wife was a housewife, student or was retired. The strongest couples had similar happiness measurements.
It seems with limited time and plenty of chores and responsibilities to go around, when one person’s lifestyle is easier, the other spouse has more on his or her plate. Sharing the load becomes important if lifestyle satisfaction is to be spread out.
Not all the couples in the study were married, and researchers found the happiness gap was “several times wider” when couples cohabited instead of married.
Team researcher Dr. Cahit Guven said the study showed that “unlike other benefits in a marriage, happiness isn’t able to be redistributed between the husband and the wife for those couples whose relationship ended with divorce.”
While I understand the conclusions, I think we should be careful about thinking we can equally divide all the responsibilities of a household to both spouses’ complete satisfaction. Keeping score can lead to resentment for one or both partners. On the other hand, particularly when both spouses are working parents, negotiation and communication about what needs to be done is critical. Asking for help in a nice way is much better than complaining about how your partner “never helps out.”
The study caused me to wonder whether the couples who ended up divorcing were less skilled at negotiating and communicating about their lifestyle needs, or whether one spouse was just unwilling to budge on contributing to the household.
What do you think about the study? And how do you think your happiness level compares with your spouses’? Does a significant gap in happiness signal signs of discontent?
Categories: Communication · Divorce · Family · Marriage · Marriage Research · Relationships · Uncategorized
Tagged: better marriage, chores in marriage, Communication, Divorce, Family, happiness, happiness gap in marriage, husband, improve marriage, marital happiness, Marriage, Marriage Research, negotiation, negotiation in marriage, Relationships, sharing housework, spouses with different backgrounds, wife
I love Heidi Klum on the hit show Project Runway. But it’s her marriage to British singer Seal that offers today’s inspiration. The 36-year-old Victoria’s Secret supermodel has had four children during the height of her modeling career and says she is living a dream marriage. In an interview in the Daily Star, Klum says of Seal, “I will always want to be not only his wife, mother of his children and his best friend, but also his hot girl who keeps making effort to be attractive and fun.
For his part, Seal reports a very romantic anniversary tradition. “Each year Heidi and I get remarried. We sit there with the kids and read vows to each other as the sun sets.”
This private time is followed by a big party for friends and family. They even have a theme each year for the renewals. One year they invited friends to attend dressed as brides and grooms. Another year they had an Elvis Presley-look-alike officiate the renewal.
Not lacking in creativity, Seal proposed to Klum on Dec. 23, 2004 at 14,000 feet, in an igloo he had built on a glacier in Whistler, British Columbia, according to Wikipedia. While not all of us can afford to have an igloo built on a glacier at 14,000 feet, what an unforgettable experience that must have been.
I don’t often look to celebrities for inspiration, but I enjoy the idea of a very personal recommitment for an anniversary. It’s so easy to let anniversaries pass without anything more significant than a card and flowers or dinner out. But speaking your vows to one another, especially in front of your children, might just make you feel like a newlywed again.
What are your anniversary traditions?
Categories: Family · Love · Marriage · Relationships · Uncategorized
Tagged: anniversary ideas, anniversary traditions, better marriage, celebrate your anniversary with spouse, celebrity marriage, Family, Heidi Klum, Love, Marriage, new family traditions, Seal, traditions
I have a few close friends and family members who are all about their “bucket lists,” the lists of things they want to experience or accomplish during their lives. For instance, my brother’s list inspired him to climb Mount Rainier and to go deep-sea diving in remote locations. This week, I was reading the uplifting blog The Generous Wife. She suggested as couples we talk regularly about our bucket lists and look for ways to help our spouses achieve their wishes. It’s a fantastic suggestion.
I like this idea for multiple reasons. First, discussing your dreams with your spouse increases intimacy and keeps you focused on positive aspects of your life. Second, participating in activities outside of your norm builds excitement and passion for yourself and for your marriage. And third, helping your spouse achieve his or her dreams often causes your spouse to have increased gratitude toward you. And gratitude has been shown to increase connection and bonds.
I must admit I’m not much of a true adventurer. I’d much rather sit on a beach than climb a treacherous mountain. However, I have spectacular memories of traveling to Hawaii, Bermuda, Ireland, France, Italy, Spain, Monaco, Mexico—and yes, even a memorable trip to Canada during one of their worst snowstorms—with my husband. All that travel came to a screeching halt when our two children were welcomed into our lives. I have more destinations in mind when our kids are a bit older. But travel isn’t required; many adventures can be found without leaving your hometown.
I have a great friend who encouraged her husband to fulfill his dream of running a hot-air balloon business, while maintaining his full-time job as a pilot. I’ve never heard her complain of the time it takes away from their large family. I have other friends who have supported their spouse’s dreams to become an entrepreneur or a full-time parent. Two married friends have decided to visit every national park in the country. Perhaps you have always wanted to take music or dance lessons, fly an airplane, learn a new language or write a book. Share your goals with your spouse, and discuss how your dreams could become a reality.
Believing in one another and in a positive vision for your union is part of the magic of marriage. How many divorces could be prevented if spouses felt their partner cared as much about their dreams and goals as they do?
What fun things are on your bucket list? What obstacles stand in your way—time, money, self-doubt, an aging body? Do you know what’s on your partner’s list?
If you haven’t had a chance yet, please spend one minute to take this survey answering five quick questions. Your confidential responses will help me immensely. Thanks!
Categories: Communication · Love · Marriage · Relationships · Uncategorized
Tagged: achieving dreams, believe in your spouse, better marriage, bucket list, Communication, dreams, goals, gratitude, helping spouse achieve dreams, improve marriage, intimacy in marriage, Marriage, marriage advice, marriage tips, positivity in marriage, relationship, relationship advice
More than 15 relationship experts have teamed up to share their personal and professional advice for marriage in Creating a Marriage You’ll Love: Secrets for Building a Rich and Full Life Together. Some of the contributors, such as John Gray, PhD, are rather well known, and others have been researching marriage behind the scenes for decades to determine what works in real life. The book’s royalties will be donated to organizations dedicated to helping domestic violence victims.
With marriage failure rates between 45 and 50 percent, and when one out of every three children in this country can expect their parents to divorce, such compilations of best research and advice can be helpful to couples serious about success. The advice is presented in an easy-to-understand manner, along with personal illustrations, some from the researchers’ own marriages. Following are just a few nuggets I appreciated:
Terri Orbuch, PhD, writes about how today’s economy is forcing couples to spend more time making ends meet and concerned about jobs, health and children—and less time focused on each other. She followed 373 couples for 22 years and developed recommendations from her research.
Orbuch says it’s the small annoyances and irritations—rather than the big events and problems in life—that often lead to unhappiness and instability in a marriage. In fact, the larger events, such as unemployment or a death in the family, often cause a couple to rely on one another for support and love. Tough times can bring us closer together, while failure to listen to and acknowledge your spouse on a day-to-day basis can be deadly to a relationship.
She also offers the great advice for couples going through a rough patch to focus on what is working well in the marriage instead of dissecting what is wrong with the marriage and trying to fix it. “I have found that the most effective way to boost happiness, commitment, harmony, fun, and passion in a marriage that is basically sound is to add new elements to the marriage, and to focus on how to support and strengthen what’s already working well,” says Orbuch.
She adds that in her long-term study, loving couples shared four characteristics: having realistic expectations, regularly reconnecting with one’s spouse (i.e. taking a bike ride or sharing some laughs), sharing trust, and affirming and validating each other (especially important for men).
One piece of advice from Gray: “To fully open our hearts together and enjoy a lifetime of love, the most important skill of all is forgiveness.” This means forgiving your partner as well as yourself for not being perfect, allowing you to give and receive love again. Anyone who has been married more than a few years will acknowledge the importance of forgiveness in being able to reestablish true intimacy after a conflict.
Creating a Marriage You’ll Love offers many other studies and insights you may find valuable. (I receive no compensation for reviewing the book or for resulting sales.)
If you have a satisfying marriage, what do you think is the secret to your success? Or, if you struggle in your relationship, what is the one thing you desire most? Do you agree with the above advice from Orbuch and Gray?
Categories: Communication · Divorce · Domestic violence · Family · Love · Marriage · Marriage Research · Personal Growth · Relationships · Uncategorized
Tagged: better marriage, Family, forgiveness, improve marriage, keys to lifelong marriage, Love, loving spouse, marriage book, Marriage Research, marriage secrets, marriage tips, spouse
As I was listening to a recent radio program explaining the top kissing mistakes of spouses, I had to plead guilty of all of them at some point. In fact, when I left the house this afternoon, I didn’t offer my hubby any kind of kiss, just a friendly, “See you later!” Psychologist David Clarke, author of Kiss Me Like You Mean It would not approve.
He says kissing “like you mean it” is a sign of your devotion and passion for one another. He says the following are considered big no-no’s in marriage:
1. The Pathetic Little Peck Kiss (connecting for a millisecond)
2. The Poofy Lip Kiss (leaning forward and barely grazing your spouse’s lips)
3. The across-the-room (or across-the-yard) Sound-Effect Kiss when you’re too rushed to even bother with #1 or #2.
4. The Dreaded Kiss on the Cheek Kiss, when you move your lips at the last second so your spouse’s lips land on your cheek. These should be reserved for your aunt or your mother, he says, not your spouse.
Dr. Clarke suggests remembering or learning how to kiss can lead to a better sex life and help put the passion back on your relationship—even if you’re married to a woman who steals the sheets (as I do) or makes funny noises during sleep (as my husband sometimes does).
I remember listening to another marriage expert suggest you kiss for at least 10 seconds when you greet or leave one another. We tried it, but it didn’t stick. On the other hand, we did adopt a habit to always greet each other with a kiss and hug before we greet our kids.
I asked my husband about his thoughts on my lack of a kiss earlier today, and it didn’t faze him a bit. In fact, this “kiss like you mean it” business sounds a little too dramatic for him and isn’t really a sign of how much I care about him.
So, what do you think, is a peck on the cheek on your way to the grocery store such a bad thing? Or do we all need to ease into behaving more passionately at every opportunity? How do you greet or depart from one another each morning or evening? Do you think there’s a time and a place for “kissing like you mean it,” or would you even kiss passionately in front of your teenager?
Categories: Books · Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Marriage Research · Relationships · Uncategorized
Tagged: better marriage, David Clarke, Family, kiss me like you mean it, Kissing, kissing mistakes, kissing tips, Love, Marriage, peck
Thanks again for taking my survey and offering input on what content to include here at Marriage Gems. We have a great diversity of readers–in geography, in age, and in marriage status or length of marriage. Respondents come from every area of the United States, as well as Canada, Australia and the Philippines. Sixty-one percent of you are aged 30 to 50; 21% are between 20 and 30; and 16% are older than 50. The rest are younger than 20.
