Entries from March 2010
Chances are you met your mate, dated for a while, fell in love, got engaged, then got married. It’s the “courtship narrative” we were brought up with. But it’s not the case anymore. For many, “this narrative has been disrupted, without being replaced, leaving many 20-somethings in a ‘relational wasteland.’” Sadly, in this super-connected society, true emotional connections are becoming more difficult.
Brad Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project a the University of Virginia, writes in The Washington Post about young people who are Lost in a World Without Courtship.
Why the change? Sexual activity is starting much earlier than in previous generations, but the average age at which people marry is later. This leaves a hormone-filled gap—during which our culture (including parents and churches, according to Wilcox) provides little guidance. Casual sex generally fills the gap, with no discussion of love, and often no dating or courtship. (It’s not uncommon to hear about “sexual favors” being performed casually in elementary and middle school.) Even after graduating from college, many 20-somethings go out in groups and “hook up” as they wish, rather than go out on dates. Occasionally, a couple creates a “relationship,” but marriage is not the next step in their narrative.
Wilcox says young people have evolved their own narrative, and the next step is cohabitation. “For some, it is a test-drive for marriage. For others, it is an easier, low-commitment alternative to marriage.” From 1960 to 2007, cohabitation increased forteenfold. “Serial cohabitation trains people for divorce…and can poison one’s view of the opposite sex,” says Wilcox, adding that engaged couples who cohabit are generally not adversely affected.
The bigger problem for society is when cohabiting couples decide to procreate. “Cohabitation is no place for children,” says Wilcox. Three-fourths of children in such unions see their parents split by age 16, while one-third of children with married parents see them divorce. He says marriage is society’s best tool for binding the parents together in the common interests of the child. Children in single-parent homes are considerably more disadvantaged—financially, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Wilcox suggests the ideal age to marry seems to be in the early to mid-20s. Teen marriages have a much higher divorce rate, and those marrying after 27 are at risk of being too set in their ways or having unrealistically high standards. (Kathleen Quiring has just written a series on why early marriage can be a positive trend in her opinion. Read the series at Project M.)
What’s your story? How did you meet your mate and fall in love? Do you think courtship, romance, dating and love are dying out with the young? How do you think marriage will be affected for the next generation? What do you teach your children about love and sex?
Categories: Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage · Marriage Research · Relationships · Uncategorized
Tagged: Relationships, Connections, Marriage, cohabitation, Love, true connections, marriage trends, divorce rates, Marriage Research, youth and sex, casual sex, age to marry, best age to marry, courtship, dating
You may harbor grudges inside or outside of your marriage. Both can be harmful. One of the most common grudges outside of a marriage is being angry with your parents for past hurts, for a lousy upbringing or for breaking up their marriage and family. Another common grudge is against a friend who wronged us, and who we feel has never made amends. It eats away at us, and we complain to our spouse whenever we get the chance.
When we focus our energies on these past wrongs, they affect all our relationships, including our marriage. They sap our energy, our thoughts become negative, and our time is wasted. It’s time to move on.
Perhaps more harmful are grudges within our own marriage. Often, they are unexpressed, but closely held. They cloud our interactions and cause defensiveness or an inability to fully celebrate life with our partner. Maybe the grudges are based on old hurts your spouse has long forgotten about.
Rather than burying these grudges, if they are affecting you, bring them into the open. Communicate your hurts with “I” language. Ask the other person for what you need, and begin the process of forgiving them. Forgiveness is a gift you are giving yourself, not just the other person.
Alisa Bowman (who went from wishing her husband would die already to renewing her wedding vows and writing about what she’s learned) offers four steps to get over marital grudges in her e-book, Project Happily Ever After:
- Commit to releasing the old grudges.
- Remind yourself that you’re part of the problem. (Neither of you are perfect, but you each deserve forgiveness.)
- List all your old grudges on a piece of paper, reliving every drop of anger and hurt. When you are both calm, go over your list sharing how these incidences made you feel. Tell him or her you really want to move on, and it would really help to share these old wounds and to hear an apology.
- Be patient, as forgiveness takes time.
Consider that what you are being asked to forgive may not be as difficult as you think. I have a wonderful friend who spent years learning to forgive the man who murdered her sister—his own wife. I’ve interviewed couples who have forgiven everything from infidelity to drug and alcohol abuse. In some of these more challenging cases, professional counseling may be helpful.
The first step is to recognize the need to forgive. Maybe forgiving old grudges will be the decision that allows your marriage to blossom.
Do you find it difficult to move on past old hurts? How do you handle feeling wronged?
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Personal Growth · Relationships
Tagged: better marriage, Family, forgiviness, grudges, improve marriage, improve relationships, Love, past hurts, reconciliation, relationship advice, Relationships, success in marriage, successful relationships
Today, I’d like to refer you to a great web site for an article about improving your sex life. Author Corey Allan, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a straight-shooter, and an entertaining writer.
Check out his web site at Simple Marriage, and read the article How To Have Curl Your Toes Sex.
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Relationships
Tagged: better marriage, Better sex, Connection, Family, improve marriage, improving intimacy in marriage, intimacy, Love, Marriage, tips to build intimacy
Recently, I shared some news on how men are now apt to receive an economic boost from marriage, as more men are marrying women who have either higher education or income levels. Most of you probably agree that whether husbands or wives have higher educational levels or higher incomes, other factors are more important to marital happiness. Still, experts are commenting on this gender shift, particularly in light of the stress of the recession and the large number of people still out of work.
“Shifts in gender norms come with pain and conflict. But they can also be a win-win recipe for marriage,” says Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage.
Coontz says there are certainly struggles, particularly with working-class men attaining rewarding, stable jobs. Some men compensate for the lack of respect they are getting in the workplace by becoming “hypermasculine” or aggressive. We hear about these abusive men in the news, unfortunately.
However, many husbands are making positive strides by making greater contributions to their homes, both in childcare and housework. College-educated men led the way with become more actively involved at home during the 80s and 90s. Since then, husbands with less education have caught up and are now contributing just as much as more educated men.
In fact, so many husbands and fathers are now active participants in the home that they are reporting the same work-family conflicts as women have for decades. Coontz says this suggests they are internalizing the importance of their role to nurture, not just to earn. “Most women now say that having a husband who is capable of intimacy and who shares housework and childcare is more important than having a partner who earns more money,” she adds.
It boils down to what you value and what makes each of you feel loved and appreciated, don’t you think? So what do men and women value?
Coontz cites the best predictors of a man’s marital satisfaction are how much sex he gets and how little criticism he gets. (How many men would like to disagree?) She adds that numerous studies report women react very positively to men who participate in childcare and housework—feeling greater intimacy and more sexual attraction.
“There’s nothing sexier than a man doing dishes,” I’ve heard more than one friend say. Do you agree?
Children clearly benefit from more active fathers, and according to experts, guys who help out at home get more action at home. Is this a win-win situation?
In your marriage, does the wife handle more housework and childcare? How important is it to share this load, and does it depend on how much each person is working outside the home?
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Marriage Research · Relationships
Tagged: better marriage, better relationships, childcare, children, division of labor in the home, Family, housework, improve marriage, Love, marital happiness, Marriage, marriage equality, modern man, Relationships, what men value, what women value, work-life balance
It’s springtime in America. I, like millions of other women, am trying to get my body back in shape for the dreaded bathing suit season. More cardio. More situps. More squats. Don’t you hate squats?
What if we loved our bodies like our husbands do? What if we looked at ourselves with higher esteem, adoring our firm parts and our soft parts?
I’m pretty sure men are just happy the flannel PJs are moving into storage for a few months, rather than analyzing how good your legs look in shorts. Heck, they’re just glad they get to see your legs a little more often.
I know it’s not an easy prospect to view your body more positively, as a great many of us suffer from chronically low body images. But confidence is attractive, and whining is not. A woman who is uncomfortable with her body will project that in the bedroom. So, sure, do your cardio, but try not to obsess about your supposed bodily faults. Avoid comparing your body to someone else’s. I’m never going to look like a magazine model, and you probably won’t either. (Just remember there was a lot of air brushing involved.)
If you want your husband to only have eyes for you, realize that viewing your body is an important part of his sexual enjoyment. Try to look at your body more like he does—with appreciation not disdain.
Guys, you might make an effort to compliment your wife’s body—especially the parts she may be insecure about. And ladies, your man doesn’t mind a little praise either.
It may sound cliche, but focus your attention on your inner beauty and your outward behaviors, not on what you think the world thinks is important.
Women: Do you find it hard to measure up to our culture’s ideal body, or are you confident in your skin?
Men: Are you surprised women don’t understand their beauty? Are you in awe of the female form? Do you have a hard time convincing your wife how much you appreciate her body? Do you think it’s cultural that women have a perfectionistic view of their bodies?
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Personal Growth · Relationships · Uncategorized
Tagged: better marriage, body image, Marriage, relationship, relationship advice, sex, woman's body
The Honorable Leah Ward Sears, a retired chief justice of the Georgia Supreme Court, has had her hand in dissolving more than a few marriages. She wrote a thoughtful article last month sharing some of what she has learned about marriage during her 26-year career on the bench, as well as in her personal life. Her take:
- Love, yes, but be committed to marriage. Marriage is always complicated. Divorce is almost always a tragedy, even more so when children are involved. She once refused a divorce to a couple after meeting with them individually and realizing neither wanted it, although the husband had cheated on his wife of 40 years. She ordered counseling, they worked it out, and he later came back to thank her. “I don’t know of any long-term marriage that doesn’t go through a ‘stupid’ phase,” she says.
- Marriage is the most pro-child institution we have. She cites research that children living with married parents have higher self-esteem, are less delinquent, are more likely to delay sexual activity and have lower rates of teen pregnancy than children from single-parent families.
- Judge Sears adds that married parents report being happier, more satisfied, and have fewer emotional problems than divorced parents. “For your children as well as ourselves, it’s time for our country to recommit to the institution of marriage,” she says.
- After years of studying this nation’s divorce epidemic—and even pondering her own failed first marriage—Judge Sears has come to an insightful conclusion about what makes a marriage succeed. “They key to most successful marriages is when the couple is more committed to the health and longevity of the marriage than to each other. That way, during those times when they can’t stand each other—and those times surely will come, as no one is perfect—they have something to fall back on and remain committed to.” She says while love, laughter and common values are important in mate selection, commitment to the marriage itself is more important.
Judge Sears serves as a Distinguished Fellow in Family Law at the Institute for American Values. Read her complete article: Love, yes, but be committed to marriage.
What are you committed to? Your own happiness? Finding enduring romantic love? Your mate? Or the health of your marriage?
Categories: Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage · Parenting · Relationships
Tagged: better marriage, better relationships, Family, improve marriage, key to successful marriage, Love, Marriage, marriage crisis, marriage mistakes, marriage secrets, prevent divorce, Relationships, surviving marital crisis
In previous generations, marriage was the path for women to find financial security. In 2010, it may be men who are receiving the economic boost for marriage.
- American women have outpaced men in education and income growth during the last 40 years.
- Compared to the 1970s, many of today’s husbands are married to women with earnings and education that surpass theirs.
- More women today are married to men with incomes and education below theirs.
A Pew Research Center report focused on U.S. couples aged 30 to 44. It was the first age group in which more women than men have college degrees. It’s considered a gender reversal, because in 1970, men were generally more educated than their wives, and now the opposite is true. About half have similar education levels. Only 4% of wives in 1970 out-earned their husbands, while in 2007, 22% of wives earned more.
From 1970 to 2007, women’s incomes have increased 44%, and men’s incomes have risen just 6%. However, a gap in earnings still exists. While women in the 70s earned only 52% of what men earned, they still earn about 78% of men’s salaries. Women made further inroads in earnings due the recession, with men losing more jobs than women. Details were reported by the Associated Press.
Do you think it’s important in a marriage who has more education or who earns more money?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tagged: benefits of marriage, better marriage, Family, financial benefit to marriage, financial security, husband, Marriage, Marriage Research, men receive financial benefit when marrying, money and marriage, spouse
My recent post on The No-Talking Way to a Better Marriage provided reasons why men react with extreme stress responses when women want to share feelings and discuss relationship problems.
The natural next step is to find out what strategies may be more effective for wives to address concerns or problems. Co-author Patricia Love suggests:
- Use nonverbal communication to connect and bond—Use touch (see article and research about the importance of touch), shared activities (games, sports, talking a walk), or sex to bond you as a couple. When you are bonded, women need to talk less, and men want to share more, so you reach a happy middle-ground. When you are closely bonded, it’s easier to communicate lovingly.
- Convey compassion—Love says she has learned that compassion is more critical to relational success than love. We convey compassion by learning to empathize with the other person’s emotions, even when we can’t relate to them. Put yourself in your partner’s role. See her fears. See his doubt or shame. Allow yourself to feel compassion for your spouse, rather than to focus solely on your own unmet needs. We may need to re-train our brains to mentally trade places, especially during a conflict.
- Develop a hand signal that conveys the love and importance you feel for one another. Use it when you are feeling those emotions, and also keep it handy for when you are having discussions that may turn ugly. If one of you uses this hand signal, it can help prevent arguments from getting out of hand by reminding each of you of the relationships’ priority.
- Use positive reinforcement instead of complaining. For example, say, “I really appreciate when you put your laundry away” instead of “Why do you let your laundry sit out for days? It drives me nuts.” It will just come out sweeter, and your honey will be more likely to comply and to remember next time how much it pleases you.
Here’s a longer article about the book if you’re interested.
Do you find any of these strategies helpful? I think bonding and positive reinforcement are particularly effective, and compassion can motivate us to love differently. Thumbs up or down on the hand signals?
Categories: Books · Communication · Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage · Marriage Research · Personal Growth · Relationships · Uncategorized
Tagged: Marriage, Love, better marriage, improve marriage, Family, spouse, touch, bonding, no-talking way to boost marriage, talking about feelings, compassion, positive reinforcement, hand signals, love signal, nonverbal communication, talking, communication research, touch in marriage
If you aim to make your husband fidgety, stressed and uncomfortable, simply utter the words, “Honey, we need to talk.”
While talking about feelings can be soothing to women, for many men, it has the opposite effect, according to psychotherapists Patricia Love and Steven Stosney, co-authors of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Stosney’s research, which includes studying hundreds of human and animal responses, shows males and females respond differently to stress from birth. For instance, baby girls need to make eye contact if they hear a loud noise, while boys need to withdraw to prevent overstimulation. As they get older, girls and women use talking to cope with stress, while boys and men pull away to cope.
The authors explain men tend to feel shame if they feel they don’t measure up. So, a woman initiating a conversation about relationship problems can cause these feelings of shame to well up. Other likely results: glazed eyes, defensiveness, or withdrawal (to TV, man cave, sports, etc.).
Why? Love explains when a man feels shamed by his sweetie’s criticsm, the stress hormone cortisol floods his body. A woman might feel a similar stress hormone rush if her husband yells at her.
So are there better strategies to address relationship issues? Thankfully, yes. Stay tuned for the next post, which will give you the four new tools to keep you both calm and cool, and perhaps more likely to please one another.
Let’s hear from you. If you’re a man, do you agree with this assessment that talking about your feelings is about as pleasant as eating sand? If you’re a woman, do you find relationship discussions put your partner on edge, or are they successful?
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Marriage Research · Personal Growth · Relationships
Tagged: better marriage, better relationships, better spouse, Communication, cortisol, differences between male and female response to stress, Family, listen better, Love, Marriage, no-talking way to boost marriage, prevent divorce, talkinga bout feelings
What can NBA players teach us about relationships? More than we think. Benedict Carey of the New York Times wrote in February about research in Mind magazine in an article called “Evidence That Little Touches Do Mean So Much.” Researchers studied touch–everything from high-fives to warm touches on the shoulder.
One research team tracked every “bump, hug and high five in a single game played by each team in the National Basketball Association early last season.” The journal Emotion is to publish the results this year, but the results are telling:
- Good teams tended to have more touches than bad ones.
- The league’s top two teams were the most touch-bonded teams—the Boston Celtics and the Los Angeles Lakers.
- The least touchy teams were the Sacramento Kings and Charlotte Bobcats, neither of which had good seasons.
Guys, if this doesn’t get your attention about the importance of touch, what will? There is even a scientific basis for why we need touch. “A warm touch seems to set off the release of oxytocin, a hormone that helps create a sensation of trust, and to reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisole.” Women who may have high levels of stress hormones may especially crave this touch to help feel bonded. Once the stress hormones are reduced, the brain’s prefrontal areas (regulating emotion) can relax and proceed to solve problems.
“In effect, the body interprets a supportive touch as,‘I’ll share the load,’” says James A. Coan, a psychologist at the University of Virginia. “We are wired to literally share the processing load, and this is the signal we’re getting when we receive support through touch.”
Researchers also studies romantic partners, and preliminary results show the ones who touched more during interviews reported highest relationship satisfaction. While it’s unclear whether the touching or the satisfaction came first, there is certainly a correlation. For some people whose primary love language is touch, positive contact is even more important.
So, if you’re a man who feels you are sharing the load, but your wife doesn’t always respond in the way you expect, ramp up the amount of (non-sexual) touch in your home. If it doesn’t come naturally to you, here are suggestions. These are also good opportunities to increase your ratio of positive comments to negative, but even a touch alone is beneficial.
- Give a hug before getting out of bed or starting your day.
- Give a longer-than-usual kiss when you leave or arrive home.
- Put your hands on her waist as she is cooking or doing dishes and kiss her cheek.
- Touch her cheek, or stroke her hair at the end of the day.
- Rub her shoulders when she seems tired or stressed.
- Touch her arm when you ask about her day.
- Sit close enough to touch or snuggle when watching TV.
- Reach over when driving to momentarily touch her hand or shoulder.
Wives who are moms often turn to their children for positive touch. This can be helpful in releasing stress hormones, but if men are not part of this positive-touch pattern they are missing out on an important part of daily bonding. A bonded team is a successful team. Just ask the Lakers.
A soldier I interviewed said missing positive touch from his family was the most difficult part of his deployment. Do you take positive touch for granted? Do you wish you had more touch during the day? Are you surprised about the NBA study?
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Marriage Research · Relationships · Uncategorized
Tagged: better marriage, better relationships, bonding, brain research, Family, husband, improve marriage, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Mind Magazine, NBA, nurturing, power of touch, relationship advice, Relationships, research on touch, spouse, successful relationships, touch, wife
Chances are you met your mate, dated for a while, fell in love, got engaged, then got married. It’s the “courtship narrative” we were brought up with. But it’s not the case anymore. For many, “this narrative has been disrupted, without being replaced, leaving many 20-somethings in a ‘relational wasteland.’” Sadly, in this super-connected society, true emotional connections are becoming more difficult.
