Entries from November 2009
Every marriage experiences some sort of conflict. We all differ in how we handle it. In some marriages, one person is aggressive, while the other is passive. In other relationships, both spouses do their best to avoid conflict, but they never address the underlying cause of arguments, instead merely sweep them under the rug.
For those who fight it out, or talk it out, or work it out, it helps to have a list of boundaries that are agreed upon ahead of time. Ideally, this list would be created early in a marriage, but if you don’t have one yet, use your personal history to guide you.
The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick recommends agreed-upon boundaries to prevent fracturing the relationship in a way you will regret when the heat of the argument cools off. When we are angry we can say very hurtful things, leaving a trail of pain and regret. The following are some of the book’s examples of boundaries both spouses might decide to follow:
1. We will never mention divorce.
2. We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past.
3. We will never fight in public or in front of our children.
4. We will call a “time out” if conflict escalates to a damaging level.
5. We will never touch one another in a harmful way.
6. Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work this out.
The book also recommends creating your own personal list of to-dos, such as, “I will listen first before speaking,” or “I will keep my voice down when arguing.” At the end of a disagreement, you want to be healthier than you were before, not more splintered.
Some people need to be able to have time alone to think things through. For others, it’s important not to go to sleep angry. Decide what is helpful to you. Assess your relationship’s strengths and weaknesses as well as your own personalities. When have you become most angry with one another? Where might you need to agree on boundaries? Are there some areas you wish you had created boundaries?
When you need to reconnect after you have resolved a fight, consider the power of music.
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Categories: Communication · Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage · Relationships
Tagged: better marriage, Communication, conflict in marriage, establishing boundaries, fight fair, improve marriage, managing conflict, Marriage, prevent divorce
I once posed a question about whether hard work or talent achieves the greatest success. Someone answered that belief in oneself is more important than either. Do you agree?
Many people overcome extreme obstacles because they believe they can achieve their dreams. When others give up on them, they work harder. Sometimes it may not be your own belief, but someone else’s belief and encouragement that reminds us of a goal and makes us think it is possible to achieve.
When my son was six, he wrote a song that said, “If you believe in me, I will believe in you.” He posted a note in my office that has been there ever since (see photo) and serves as a sweet reminder that I am not alone in the world. The power of others’ encouragement can be strong.
Walt Disney is an example of someone who was talented and worked hard, but he started with nothing and overcame a great deal of obstacles. His personal vision was so clear and his belief so strong that even when his ideas and employees were stolen away, he simply started again and created a larger dream.
For many people, faith that they are a part of a larger purpose (a Kingdom purpose) also keeps them from giving up; they have a clear vision of success and feel their efforts are divinely guided.
We can personally benefit from a belief in our ability to reach goals, but don’t stop there. Our marriage relationships need to have the same vision and goals. What is your vision as a couple for your marriage and for your family? What goals are you trying to achieve within your marriage? Do you and your spouse have an unyielding belief that you can stand strong together no matter what happens in your life? Do you believe in and support your spouse? Do you believe your marriage will succeed?
As the year winds down and you consider making goals for the next year, don’t put your marriage last on the list. Just like career and life goals, create goals for your important relationships. Invest time and effort in them. And above all, believe in their long-term success.
What do you think is the greatest contributor to success? And to your marital success?
Categories: Communication · Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage · Personal Growth · Relationships · Uncategorized
Tagged: believe in your marriage, better marriage, connecting with your spouse, dreams, encouragement, Family, goals, improve marriage, Love, Marriage, marriage advice, Relationships, spouse, spouses, success in marriage, successful relationships, vision
How do you feel when someone gives you an unexpected thank-you? Try cultivating that fuzzy feeling in others this week. As we approach Thanksgiving, everyone starts talking about giving thanks as if should be an annual event. Thanksgiving is a great reminder, but we should make showing gratitude a regular habit. Start with those closest to you–your husband or wife and other family members.
This week, tell your spouse three things you are thankful for about them. It’s a great marriage-booster. Give praise/thanks for:
1) A skill (cooking, their skill at work, how organized or handy they are, etc.)
2) A physical trait (Men need to be complimented too, especially since men don’t give each other compliments like women do.)
3) A character trait (resiliency, honesty, being calm in the face of crisis, friendly to everyone, etc.)
If you want BONUS points, praise for your spouse publicly around the Thanksgiving dinner table. After you thank your spouse, do the same for your children and parents. Make a habit of thanking people regularly for all they do for you. If you make gratitude a regular habit, you may even find yourself thankful for adversity and challenges, as they can bring a family closer together.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving. What are you most thankful for about your spouse?
P.S. If you like this blog, please place a vote for best marriage blog. Thank you!
Categories: Communication · Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage · Relationships
Tagged: better marriage, Family, gratitude, husband, improve marriage, Marriage, spouse, thankfulness, Thanksgiving., wife
November 19, 2009 · 1 Comment
In a recent post I presented the importance of empathy in marriage and the physiological studies that have proven this. However, all people do not empathize in the same manner. Bullies are one group whose brains differ in how they relate to the emotions and pain of others.
Researchers at the University of Chicago studied empathy in bullies. They performed functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI) scans of boys’ brains aged 16 to 18 while showing the boys videos of people getting accidentally hurt. A control group was tested, along with a group of boys who had been abusive and had been diagnosed with conduct disorders.
Prior to these studies, many surmised that bullies lacked empathic skills and couldn’t connect to the pain they were causing. I’ve heard that said about psychopaths. At least in the case of bullies, the reality is worse than the prediction. According to this study, bullies do not lack empathy; they feel pleasure when others experience pain.
When the bullies’ brains were scanned, “the brains signaled empathy towards the pain, but their brain wiring associated that pain empathy with pleasure, in the reward centers of the brain,” says professor Jane Decety. “Bullies associate the pain of their victims as a positive feeling. These results suggest that the abusive behavior of bullies feeds their brains with a feeling of reward.”
These tests were done on older boys, so it remains to be seen if the results would be the same in adult perpetrators of domestic abuse. If that is how abusers think, it is one more reason why victims should not stick around to try to persuade the abuser to change their ways. Brains that are wired to receive pleasure from causing pain may just be on the lookout for the next person to provide that reward.
If someone you know is in an abusive situation, refer them to the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence and share these safety tips.
Categories: Divorce · Domestic violence · Family · Marriage · Relationships
Tagged: abuser, brain scan, bully, domestic violence, empathy, Family, how to leave abusive situation, Marriage, MRI, pain, pleasure, spouse, victim
November 16, 2009 · 1 Comment
I’ve often considered my high degree of empathy to be a weakness. I have to minimize my news intake of tragic events, I never let a friend cry alone, and I have to turn away when an ice skater falls during a performance. I’ve read studies that explain people who deeply empathize have many of the same neurons firing in their brains as those who experienced the event. That helps explain why I can relate to emotions that are far from me.
Good news if you are like me: empathy is a strength in marriage. This isn’t just my opinion. It’s been shown through psychophysiological research. Finally, being emotional has an up-side.
The book The Energetic Heart assesses bioelectromagnetic interactions within and between people and explains some of the current research. Author Rollin McCraty, PhD, reports on multiple studies that show people synchronize some of their physiological activities, such as heart rate, when they empathize.
For example, Levenson and Gottman studied physiological synchronization in married couples and concluded partners who were skilled at showing empathy mimicked their partner’s physiology. Their heart rates sped up and slowed down to match their spouse’s when they discussed emotional content. McCraty adds that researchers have been able to use physiological observations of couples to predict those who will divorce.
If couples who are not skilled in empathy are more likely to divorce, we should dissect this ability further. Empathy is the capability to share another’s feelings and emotions. We can’t get to that point if we are not truly present to one another and effective listeners. We also must be open and vulnerable emotionally. I’ve been writing a lot about techniques for listening, and it’s not because I’m not feeling heard. Many types of research lead me back to the topic and stress the importance of listening in all types of relationship success. How can we be empathic if we don’t hear or understand our spouse’s true concerns? How can we improve intimacy without empathizing with one another’s deepest worries, goals and desires?
These psychophysiological studies are a fancy way of demonstrating couples who are emotionally in touch with one another, but I’ll bet you know if you’re in touch without the gadgets. Do you find your mind wandering when your spouse talks about his dreams for the future? Does your anger level rise when you hear your wife was mistreated? Are you in tune with your partner’s mood or anxieties? Try taking a few deep breaths before you reconnect to help your bodies adjust physiologically before your minds connect emotionally.
Do you think empathy is just a female skill? Do you think it can be learned or improved, or are there some people who are just not emotional? Read about how the brains of bullies empathize in surprising (and not good) ways. It may explain why abusive spouses are unlikely to change.
Categories: Communication · Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage · Relationships · Uncategorized
Tagged: better marriage, body/mind connections, emotional connection, empathy, improve marriage, improving intimacy in marriage, intimacy, listening, Love, Marriage, psychophsiological studies, Relationships, spouse
Among never-marrieds aged 20 to 30 who were surveyed recently, 87% said “I want a marriage that will last a lifetime.” Many in Gen Y have seen their parents divorce and hope to avoid that path. Unfortunately a desire to have a lasting marriage doesn’t mean they have the skills to achieve it, especially as conflict and adversity enter their lives.
A 1995 Monitoring the Future survey of teens found most planned to get married and felt marriage was important, but they were pessimistic about their ability to maintain a lifelong marriage and saw few positive examples of marriage.
This brings us back to the subject of agape or unconditional love (discussed in a previous post). Many people of faith refer to this type of marriage as a “covenant marriage” and view marriage as a sacred vow rather than a hopeful agreement based on positive life occurrences. Is a lifetime marriage a crazy ideal that few people can hope for, or is it reasonable that two normal, committed people can achieve?
Advocates for a permanent marriage say it is based on commitment, forgiveness, sacrifice, and putting the other person’s needs above their own. This may seem like a way to set yourself up to be taken advantage of. After all, if you could get your way, wouldn’t you do less work and make special requests all day long? (Perhaps there are some spouses who would, but that rolls into the topic of setting expectations and knowing your partner well before marriage. Yes, many people need a better screening process for potential mates.)
For the happily married couples I have interviewed, the opposite tends to occur. Many of them have learned a secret, what I call the “paradox of giving.” The more one person chooses to give, the more the other person desires to please his or her spouse, creating a cycle of giving. Instead of keeping track and waiting to get something back every time they give, they just do their best at being giving, loving people, and their spouse does the same. They’re not perfect, but they make a daily effort.
Everyone has heard the phrase “it is in giving that we receive,” but few live it out. The immature couple focused on their individual needs and wants never experiences this paradox and never finds anyone who can meet every desire and expectation they have. The mature couple at least has a willingness to try to please one other. The result, at least for many I have met, is that they both end up feeling very satisfied and happy in their relationship.
Lonely or sad people are often told to reach out to help someone else in need as a way to boost their spirits. Most of us feel good when we help someone else, especially as a secret or a surprise. Apply a little of this feel-good medicine to your marriage. Do something nice without the other person even knowing. If you can’t think of something nice to do, ask, “How can I help you today?” Start the giving cycle. Don’t wait for the good to be returned.
So what do you think–is a lifetime married to the same person reasonable or does it sound like crazy talk?
Categories: Communication · Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage · Personal Growth · Relationships · Uncategorized
Tagged: agape love, better marriage, covenant marriage, Family, happy marriage, improve marriage, lifetime marriage, long-term marriage, Love, Marriage, prevent divorce, relationship, unconditional love
“Mind the Gap” is repeatedly blared in the London Underground train stations to remind passengers not to stand between the train door and the station platform. The catchy phrase was developed in 1969 and caught on so well that they now sell t-shirts with the admonition. Minding the gap in our marriage is also important, but unfortunately you won’t hear a daily reminder shouted out at you as you begin your day.
Marriage researcher Terri L. Orbuch, PhD, says in a new book 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great that most marriages do not break up due to conflict, communication problems or sexual incompatibility. Instead, it’s regular frustration that drives a wedge between couples. “It’s the day-to-day disappointment or the gap between what you expect and how your partner acts—that is most damaging,” she says.
Take a minute to think about that fact, and you’ll probably agree that when one or both partner’s expectations are not met during the average day, tensions mount, conversations become tense and intimacy is nearly nonexistent. You were counting on your partner to follow through on something, and now it’s on your plate. You’re disappointed. You may move into negotiation mode to get through your day and your to-do list. You inherently become a bit more selfish to protect your interests, and you feel less generous in helping your partner. There’s little chance you will go out of your way to please him or her.
Orbuch suggests sharing your expectations regularly with your spouse to help keep tension levels low. If you aren’t receiving enough affection or dedicated time, or if your spouse isn’t helping in an area that was agreed upon, take time to talk it through. A previous post on h
ow to get through to your spouse offers some techniques to communicate effectively and to listen well to your spouse.
Even when things are great for a few years, job, home or family changes can shake up expectations again. Make it a recurring topic to address so that it doesn’t appear one spouse is complaining about the status quo, but rather both spouses are interested in minimizing the expectations gap. If you have trouble remembering to do this, you can always order the t-shirt.
Categories: Communication · Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage · Uncategorized
Tagged: better marriage, communicating expecatations, Communication, expecations in marriage, improve marriage, improving intimacy in marriage, mind the gap, reasons for divorce, reducing tension in marriage, unmet expectations
Why do you love your spouse? Because he is a good provider or has an amazing sense of humor? Because she is talented, kindhearted or generous? If your love is attached to some behavior or personality characteristic, it is a conditional love, not agape love, which is unconditional.
Many writers have written about agape love, said to be the highest, truest, most all-consuming love. Whereas the types of love called phileo (friendship) or eros (sexual) are important to a great marriage, its foundation should be the unconditional agape love, according to the book The Love Dare. In fact, the romantic and friendship aspects of a marriage are able to be enjoyed at a deeper level when agape love is present.
Unconditional, unselfish agape love is a difficult thing to strive for. It doesn’t mean you allow yourself to be mistreated or abused, or even that you shouldn’t speak up if your needs are not being met. It means you can love your spouse even when he or she is acting unlovable, or is sick, unemployed or depressed. When you are not “getting” as much as you’re “giving” (if you are keeping score as many couples unconsciously do), it’s agape love that keeps you committed to the relationship nonetheless.
Agape love isn’t destroyed by time or temperament, by rough patches or seasons of sadness, by old age or illness. Agape love is a choice to be committed come what may. Is that the kind of love you possess? Do you love your spouse, or do you love what you get from your spouse?
Categories: Family · Love · Marriage · Personal Growth · Relationships
Tagged: agape, better marriage, commitment, conditional love, eros, foundation of marriage, Love, marriage advice, marriage tips, phileo, spouse, unconditional love
Every marriage experiences some sort of conflict. We all differ in how we handle it. In some marriages, one person is aggressive, while the other is passive. In other relationships, both spouses do their best to avoid conflict, but they never address the underlying cause of arguments, instead merely sweep them under the rug.
