Entries from October 2009
October 28, 2009 · 1 Comment
Continuing with our last post with tips from Dr. Mark Goulston’s book, “Just Listen,” here are six more:
Create a Transformational Moment—Much of our daily communication involves negotiation, such as who will handle what aspects of a work project, who will pick up the kids or handle dinner. To take your communication to a deeper level and hear what people are truly about, ask them a transformational question. Examples might be: What kind of influence did your father have on you? What do you love about your profession? What is something fun or important you and I should do in the next five years?
Be More Interested Than Interesting—Instead of being concerned about sounding intelligent or funny, focus all your attention on the person in front of you. Ask probing questions. Don’t tell your stories. Be interested in them. For example, ask your spouse about a recent work project or how a conflict with a friend was resolved. Then just listen. You can usually have a greater impact on someone by asking a thoughtful question and giving them the opportunity to share than by telling a great story.
Make People Feel Valued—After people feel heard, they want to feel valued, especially by their loved ones. Many spouses feel they are tolerated more than loved as the years go by. Tell your spouse how they have changed your life for the better. Tell your children how much you value them in your life.
Fill in the Blank—When you are unsure of someone’s motives or feelings, ask, “You feel that way because _______” or “You would like me to do _______.” (Say nothing with hand gesture palm up giving them the opportunity to answer.)
Power Thank You—Acknowledge a specific action that was helpful to you; note the great effort required. Tell the person (publicly if possible) what a difference this action made for you. A written letter or email is valuable to people, but a spoken power thank-you is nice.
Power Apology—A bad apology is probably worse than not apologizing at all. The proper steps include expressing remorse for the specific behavior, showing restitution, rehabilitation (not doing the bad thing any longer) and a request for forgiveness.
Do you use any of these techniques, or do you know a great listener whose listening skills you admire?
(In case you were wondering, I received no compensation of any kind for recommending this book.)
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Personal Growth · Uncategorized
Tagged: better listening, better marriage, connect with your spouse, hear and value your spouse, improve communication, improve marriage, listen
To follow up on a recent post on why better listening is better loving, a new book provides some useful techniques on how exactly to listen effectively. “Just Listen” by psychiatrist Mark Goulston, MD, delivers on its promise to teach you how to get through to anyone, even offering advice for dealing with neurotic, narcissistic and violent individuals (we won’t go there). Most of the book addresses everyday personal and professional communication strategies, and offers scientific explanation to explain why they work within the brain. I’d recommend reading the book if you would like to improve your communication and connections at work or home, but I’ll summarize a few techniques in the next two posts:
The Empathy Jolt—When you are at odds with your spouse, take a break. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were in their shoes. Literally, what feelings or thoughts might you be experiencing? Sometimes a third party can ask this question to both spouses, and they will express a deeper understanding of one another’s true motivations.
Reverse Play—When you feel like complaining about someone’s behavior, set up a time to talk. Instead of complaining, apologize genuinely for the ways you may be contributing to the problem. Say you are sorry for anything you might have done to offend or disrespect them. This catches people off guard and often motivates them to act graciously.
Mirror Neuron Deficit—As we attempt to conform to the world’s or others’ demands on us, trying to win love and approval, we ache to be mirrored back with the same attention. Often, people feel they give their best, but receive apathy or hostility in return. This creates a deficit that you as an effective listener can help fill. Instead of waiting for your spouse or child to express a feeling or complaint, then mirroring it back, Dr. Goulston suggests taking the initiative to express your perception of their feelings, while offering a chance to clarify.
For example, when a man sees his stressed out wife scramble all evening to get emails returned and kids to bed, he might say, “You know, I was thinking today how frustrating it must be to feel so torn between home and the office. Is that how you feel, or am I reading things wrong? Then, you allow the other person to talk, without interrupting. When the other person stops, say, something like, “Go on.” Resist the urge to talk. Allow him or her to fully vent and relax. Do not solve the problem; just listen. This technique can even work in hostile situations and/or with teens. I tried it on my 6-year-old, and it worked great.
Be Vulnerable—Especially when things are at their worst, instead of getting aggressive, be vulnerable and share your deepest fears or concerns. Encourage your spouse to share feelings as well. This can create a breakthrough connection.
Read 6 more great tips from Dr. Goulston.
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Uncategorized
Tagged: Communication, empathy, better marriage, improve marriage, listening, valuing, hearing
The holidays are nearly upon us, which for some couples brings excitement and others dread. At the recent request of some readers, I researched ways to improve the notorious mother-in-law relationship. Stress and strain between spouses and in-laws causes a good deal of division and strife in marriage. If your relationship with in-laws or parents is less-than-perfect, maybe this is the year for change.
After reviewing several resources, I came across an excellent post written by Gretchen Rubin, a best-selling author who writes tips for improving your happiness. Rubin’s article “Ten tips for getting along with your mother-in-law” contains a gold mine of sound advice on how you can make your interactions much more positive and pleasant. Give it a read. Even the commenters added more good tips, such as, “No matter how much they drive you crazy, remember that they’ve been driving your spouse crazy much longer. Don’t take out your frustrations on your spouse; they’re probably as stressed out as you are.” If your issue is another family member, Rubin also has a good post on “7 tips for getting along with difficult relatives.”
I once heard the suggestion to act as if you have the relationship you want, and start cultivating that ideal relationship. While that may not always work, Gretchen suggests putting yourself in a friendly, calm frame of mind before you get together with in-laws. Instead of avoiding your mother-in-law, seek her out and be friendly. Basically, put yourself in a better mood before you get there, so you are not so easily offended.
One of her insightful tips is to “mindfully articulate, and act in accordance with, your own values.” She explains, “If you know your own values and live according to them, people’s pointed remarks don’t sting nearly as much, and strangely, they often back off.”
If a difficult situation fails to improve, you can still be in charge of your own reactions and behavior. You may need to bite your tongue for the benefit of your spouse. “Sometimes you can behave nicely for someone else’s happiness, even if you’d be very happy to pitch a battle, if left to your own devices,” says Rubin.
Rubin’s blog has other helpful and tested strategies for improving your own happiness, which can be beneficial as long as you are clear on the difference between seeking happiness and seeking joy.
So, are you looking forward to Thanksgiving with extended family, or are you considering flying to Tahiti instead? Do you have any great in-law tips to share?
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Uncategorized
Tagged: better holidays with family, better in-laws, daughter-in-law, Family, getting along with relatives, holidays, improve marriage, improve relationship with parents, Love, Marriage, mother-in-law, son-in-law, Thanksgiving.
The last post shared thoughts on true connectivity. For this type of true connection to take place, you first need the time and space to connect. Couples can also benefit from the absence of some ubiquitous gadgets. For a true connection, another key is that both spouses should be active listeneners.
If you’re like many spouses, you hear your partner—sort of. You hear lots of words coming out, including requests to handle errands or tasks, or informational updates about the day. You may even hear some complaints or gripes or expressions of love or gratitude. While your spouse is talking, you are considering your response or planning what you are going to say next.
Even if our spouse is sharing his or her lifelong goals, we are often considering how those goals will affect us and our families. Or, maybe we’re preparing to offer them advice on how to attain those goals.
Most of us know at least one person who is an excellent listener. You may not even realize it at first, but you feel better about yourself when you are with great listeners, because they show so much interest in you, asking follow-up questions and responding enthusiastically to your good news. They are encouraging and will often call later to ask how something is progressing. When you are talking, they are very present and in the moment. In their listening, we feel we are being loved. Poor listeners spend a lot more time talking than hearing, and we often dread getting stuck talking to them for long.
Being present to our partner while really listening to him/her is a way we can show our love. It helps if we are not rushed or multitasking while trying to listen. (That’s why we may need to schedule some dedicated time for reconnecting.) We should refrain from making suggestions unless we are asked. Use eye contact. Listen to your partner fully; don’t interrupt. Ask questions to clarify, or rephrase what you are hearing back to them.
Active listening is not an easy skill, especially when we have trained our brains to be prepared and think quickly. I’ve heard several marriage experts say good listening could prevent many marital problems, including some affairs and divorces, by making spouses feel they are heard and understood. Relationships with children or friends can also improve when they feel we hear and understand them.
Does your spouse jabber on endlessly, or is he or she a great listener? Could you improve your listening skills or is it a strength? I’m listening.
Categories: Communication · Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage · Personal Growth
Tagged: active listening, better marriage, Family, improve child relationships, improve marriage, listening, Marriage, Parenting, prevent divorce
While I love, love, love it when my readers make comments on my blog and start a dialogue, I’ve been even more blessed with many personal notes thanking me for writing particular posts that have helpful in someone’s marriage. To think even one person’s marriage or family could benefit from this blog is tremendous. Thank you for reading and applying some of the research and tips!
If you’re too shy to leave a public post, feel free to email me through the contact page. I would appreciate hearing what YOU want to read about. What stage of marriage are you in (premarital, newlywed, 7-year itch, second marriage, post-children, empty nest, etc.)? In what marital topics or challenges are you interested in reading (in-laws, balancing career/family, financial, spirutual, sexual, reviving the romance, infertility, infidelity, making home life more joyful, etc.). Post your suggestions here or send me a private note if you prefer.
May your relationship grow stronger each day.
Categories: Uncategorized
