Entries from August 2009
We’ve acknowledged by now that every couple disagrees, but sometimes an argument gets out of hand and moves to another level you hadn’t intended. Gretchen Rubin lists “23 Phrases to Help You Fight Right” on a recent post, but says the best strategy is to use humor and joke around if things are getting to heated. If that doesn’t work, try one of these:
Please try to understand my point of view.
Wait, can I take that back?
You don’t have to solve this—it helps me just to talk to you.
This is important to me. Please listen.
I overreacted.
I see you’re in a tough position.
I can see my part in this.
I hadn’t thought of it that way before.
I could be wrong.
Let’s agree to disagree on that.
This isn’t just your problem, it’s our problem.
I’m feeling unappreciated.
We’re getting off the subject.
You’ve convinced me.
Let’s take a break for a few minutes. [If you can remember to do this, it’s extremely effective – especially if you’re having a big fight. After a break, it’s almost impossible to go back to yelling.]
Please keep talking to me.
I realize it’s not your fault.
That came out all wrong.
I see how I contributed to the problem.
What are we really fighting about?
How can I make things better?
I’m sorry.
I love you.
If you can’t see yourself willing to say many of these, perhaps that is part of the problem. Do you have a phrase or strategy that works well for you?
Categories: Communication · divorce · family · love · marriage
Tagged: argument, better marriage, improve marriage, love, managing conflict, marriage
When I was a 24-year-old bride, I thought my husband should know when I was upset, should apologize when he was wrong and should agree with me when I pointed out why I was right. Ah, young love. The stuff of storybook romances.
The fact is many of us have unrealistic expectations of marriage at the outset. Diane Sollee, who coined the phrase “marriage education” says while people are given instructions on how to court, get engaged and get married, how to have a great honeymoon and get through pregnancy, people are not often educated about what to expect in a normal, good marriage. She founded the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education in 1995, because she believed there was a fundamental understanding in society of the importance of a complete, biological, intact family.
One common misconception is that there are compatible and incompatible couples. When the industry moved from studying failing marriages to studying successful marriages in the 1980s, they learned there is no compatible couple. “All couples disagree the same amount. Couples have to manage money, children, sex, others and time, and they will disagree about those,” said Sollee in an Examiner.com article. Experts now teach how to effectively manage (not “resolve) conflict, which is found in every marriage.
Sollee’s organization provides an educational web site to provide information helpful to maintaining long, happy marriages. It’s part of the Utah Marriage Initiative launched to help make marriages stronger. Educational articles help fill in the blanks when family role models or personal experience aren’t perfect, or for people who want their marriages to be better than average.
Does is surprise you that Utah has a state-wide initiative? It shouldn’t. Our nation is working at the Federal level to promote two-parent families and discourage out-of-wedlock births, and the government and is measuring states’ performances and linking welfare funds to those objectives. In 1999, Oklahoma Governor Frank Keating launched the nation’s largest marriage initiative to cut that state’s high divorce and out-of-wedlock birth rates. It appears their motivation was at least partly financial, as it followed a 1998 report that showed the state’s economy was suffering as a result of high family breakdown and increasing poverty levels. Utah was spending $276 million per year on unwed childbirth and family fragmentation prior to its initiative.
Religious, professional and political groups are all mobilizing toward the same goal of preventing family breakdown as detailed in this article. Their motivations may be moral, financial, political or seeking to improve the welfare of our nation’s families. All of them have to return to the basics, because the two questions to which many in our society don’t know the answers (especially those who grew up in fragmented families), are “Why should we value marriage?” and, “How can we create a long-term, happy marriage?”
Probably the most compelling answer to the first question for couples who plan to have children is the overwhelming evidence that children do better in all respects when they are raised in an intact family. Research also shows society as a whole benefits when divorce rates and out-of-wedlock rates decline. Marriage and family experts are trying to educate the public to help them answer the second question, but the overall conclusion is that couples can learn how to have more fulfilling, happier marriages if they work at it and have realistic expectations.
Thankfully, I’ve learned from quite a few mistakes during the last nearly 15 years of marriage. Do you think you can learn to be a better spouse, or is marriage unteachable? What can we teach the next generation to help build stronger families?
Categories: divorce · family · love · marriage
Tagged: children, divorce, divorce trends, family, happy marriage, love, marriage, marriage advice, marriage rates, marriage trends, out of wedlock births, prevent divorce
Most of the women reading this will likely conclude this headline refers to them, and they’d be right. However, it’s not the half that feels better about life. Despite advancements in women’s health, job equality, graduation rates, life expectancy and other areas, female happiness in America is on the decline.
Have you heard the phrase, “When Momma’s happy, everybody’s happy?” The opposite is also true. When wives are miserable, we tend to bring the family down to our level. Ross Douthat of the The New York Times recently reported research from economists Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers discussing “The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness,” in America and its possible reasons.
I’m interested in your input about why women’s happiness is declining. Do you agree with this trend, and if so, what are the causes?
Current trends are likely only part of the explanation. For instance, the NYT cites the decline of the two-parent family as a likely cause for lower life satisfaction of single mothers. However, declining happiness rates cut across race, class and economic levels. Other reasons discussed may include the increasing female workload; despite more women working outside the home with ever greater responsibilities, they still do the majority of household chores. Yet, the economists show similar workload patterns for men and women.
Douthat says both feminists and traditionalists will find a lot of economic data in the report to help them prove their own claims. However, he urges the two groups to find common ground and join forces. He even suggests some new stigmas may be in order—but unlike what they were a generation ago—that would create a modern “social revolution that ostracizes serial baby-daddies and trophy-wife collectors as thoroughly as the ‘fallen women’ of a more patriarchal age.” He doesn’t expect this to actually occur, calling our current society a “kindler, gentler, more forgiving country than it was 40 years ago” and one unlikely to accept sexual stigmas of any kind.
Do you think the declining happiness rates have everything to do with family structure, or are women seeking the wrong kind of satisfaction? My inclination is to think it’s a combination of factors. Many women strive for the nice house and suburban lifestyle, with pedicures and shopping trips on Saturdays, then once they achieve that lifestyle find it rather unfulfilling. Women of lower socioeconomic groups are working harder than ever to provide for their families with no rest in sight. Decreasing personal connections (which are different from online “friends”) and spreading of extended families also affects how women are able to cope with common stresses of marriage, work and parenting. “Busy” or “stressed” seem to be modern badges of honor.
Even in our chaotic lives and families, there has to be room for joy. (See past post on “Is your family seeking happiness or joy?) Do you see women as fairly unhappy or happy overall? How do you fit into the spectrum? How important is happiness to you? For men, do you feel happier than the women in your life, or are they just more vocal about life’s challenges?
Link to the NYT article, Liberated and Unhappy.
Categories: Communication · family · love · marriage · personal growth
Tagged: female, female happiness research, happiness, joy, single mothers, trends, women
Do you find yourself using your manners more at work and the grocery store than at home? Respectful and courteous behavior has slipped in many “modern” marriages. It’s probably not purposeful; you just get so close to a person you don’t think these niceties are necessary any more.
They are.
Do you sometimes think your spouse would never talk to anyone else the way s/he sometimes talks to you? Perhaps your partner feels the same way. That’s not how it was when you were courting and trying to impress one another—holding doors, saying thank-you for dinner, and giving your undivided attention even if your favorite TV show was on.
Maybe you’ve gotten just a little too comfortable with your relationship if you rarely make yourself presentable at home and “please” and “thanks, honey” rarely pass your lips there.
A great benefit to marriage is that the household work is divided between two people. Maybe one person works more outside the home and one more inside the home, but both probably contribute in multiple ways from shopping to mowing the lawn, child care, car maintenance, paying bills and cooking meals. Imagine all the extra responsibilities you would have if your spouse wasn’t there, and make sure to thank him or her for the things regularly done for the family. I know I appreciate it when my husband realizes I’m the reason he never runs out of clean underwear. Pretend you’re talking to a friend, to whom you’d normally say “Thanks for listening to me talk about my tough day,” or “Thanks for a great dinner.” Don’t take the little things for granted, because they can lead to resentment.
It should go without saying that using manners with children is also important. Children model what they see.
If you thought manners were only for stuffy people, you might be surprised about these Top 10 Myths of Marriage, for instance Myth #3 “They keys to long-term marital success are good luck and romantic love.” What myths most surprise you?
Categories: Communication · divorce · family · love · marriage
Tagged: better marriage, family, husband, improve marriage, love, manners, marriage, marriage myths, polite, prevent divorce, wife
There appears to be a strong correlation between happiness and frequency of intimacy in a marriage. In fact, some of you already know this, by the looks of a large-scale national study, which showed married people have more and better sex than do their unmarried counterparts. (And singles think they’re having all the fun.)
Sociologist Denise A. Donnelly explains, “While sex isn’t the only important thing in a marriage, it matters more than many believe. Couples who don’t have satisfying sex lives are more likely to get divorced. Plus, regular, intimate sex can help increase general happiness.” Donnelly adds, “Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being.”
Certain transition periods for couples are likely to reduce the frequency of intimacy, such as when dealing with significant health problems or becoming new parents. A BBC study detailed 500 women’s experiences with pregnancy and how their sex lives were affected. On average, they had sex half as frequently during pregnancy as they did before pregnancy, and that dropped further after the baby was born. The biggest obstacles they cited were feeling too tired, stressed, suffering from depression, or having post-baby body image issues. However, three-fourths of them reported being tired but very happy.
Researchers of the study (conducted for Prima Baby magazine) said there is a perfectly normal period of adjustment for couples as they become new parents, when their focus on naturally on their new child. Also, it may take months for the woman’s hormones to come back into balance after birth. Women who experience pain, discomfort or complete lack of libido should see their physician.
The responsibilities of parenthood notwithstanding, couples who focus for years on their little ones and neglect their own relationships will likely see a significant decline in marital happiness. Experts warn of treating one another like roommates, which can happen when household and work responsibilities consistently take higher priority than the marriage.
The good news is that most married couples are doing something right. Not only do married couples have sex more often, but they enjoy it more, both physically and emotionally. 1
1 Linda J. Waite and Kara Joyner, “Emotional and Physical Satisfaction with Sex in Married, Cohabitating, and Dating Sexual Unions: Do Men and Women Differ?” Pp. 239-269 in E. O. Laumann and R.T. Michael, eds., Sex, Love and Health in America (Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press, 2001); Edward O. Laumann, J.H. Gagnon, R.T. Michael and S. Michaels, The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the Unites States (Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press, 1994).
Categories: Communication · divorce · family · love · marriage
Tagged: better marriage, family, happiness, happy marriage, improve marriage, intimacy, love, marriage, more sex, new parents, prevent divorce, research on sex, sex, sex in marriage
Last week Reuters reported that people who get married and stay married reported higher health ratings than other groups. This research, which surveyed more than 9,000 Americans aged 50 and older, was the first study to examine both marital transitions and marital status on a wide range of health dimensions.
While the study, like others before it, linked marriage to better health, it also found that individuals who lost a spouse through divorce or widowhood suffered a huge health toll, likely brought on by that high-stress period. The report adds that remarriage seems to lessen some of the health effects of divorce or widowhood, but that those in a lasting marriage still had better health.
“Think of your health as money in the bank,” said researcher and University of Chicago sociology professor Linda J. Waite. “Think of marriage as a mechanism for ‘saving’ or adding to health. Think of divorce as a period of very high expenditures.”
• Those who divorced or were widowed fared worse in terms of chronic health conditions than those who never wed. They experienced 20% more chronic conditions, such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer, and had 23% more problems climbing stairs or walking a block than their married counterparts.
• People who never married were found to have 12% more mobility limitations and 13% more depressive symptoms, but no difference in chronic conditions from the group who remained married.
• Those who remarried had 12% more chronic conditions and 19% more mobility limitations, but no more depressive symptoms than those who remained married.
A 2005 John Hopkins University Study found that extremely stressful events, including losing a spouse, can cause heart attack-like symptoms called stress cardiomyopathy or “broken heart” syndrome.
“Some health situations, like depression, seem to respond both quickly and strongly to changes in current conditions,” explains researcher Waite. “In contrast, conditions such as diabetes and heart disease develop slowly over a substantial period and show the impact of past experiences, which is why health is undermined by divorce or widowhood, even when a person remarries.”
If you or someone you love has lost a spouse through divorce or death, it is imperative to see a physician regularly and prioritize your health.
Researchers factored in participants’ age, race, sex and education level. They added that marital quality—which was not a part of the study—may also affect health (happy marriages positively and unhappy marriages negatively). The full study was published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior.
Categories: Communication · divorce · family · love · marriage
Tagged: chronic health conditions, divorce, effects of divorce, family, health effects of widowhood, health research, marital transitions, marriage, marriage research, widowhood
When Paul McCartney sang Maybe I’m Amazed about his wife, Linda, the song put into words the feelings of connection so many couples share. Listeners swooned as he expressed how amazed he was by his love for her. One of the surprising lines he sang is, “You right me when I’m wrong,” which is followed by, “Maybe I’m amazed at the way I need you.” The truth is, couples do need to lovingly correct one another sometimes. This is part of an honest, intimate relationship.
Unfortunately, many women often suck at this. Wives are six times more likely to fuss and scold than are husbands, according to Dr. John Gottman, marriage researcher and professor emeritus at the University of Washington. The result? Husbands are 85% more likely to stone-wall than wives.
The reason men shut down is not because the communication is negative. Many men deal with negative issues at work all day long. It’s the way the wife communicates that pushes him to silence—the berating, pointing, emasculating, scowling or yelling. These disrespectful exchanges are not tolerated by most men. In fact, they shut down and stop listening. They’re unable or unwilling to process extremely emotional outbursts. Who knows, maybe they’re thinking about the big game or where they’d rather be, but they’re probably not listening to you.
If you have negative information, try to communicate it clearly, briefly and gently. Control your tone and facial expression. Don’t belabor the point. When it comes time for you to hear a suggestion or complaint from your husband, try to receive that communication in the same way you’d like him to respond to you.
A great line in the McCartney song is, “You help me sing my song.” All spouses should be encouraging one another so that they are better off together than alone, to help each other fulfill the purpose you have here on earth. Remember to build your spouse up with positive comments, so that the negative to positive ratio is no more than 1:5.
What are the things that amaze you about your spouse? Share with him/her.
Categories: Communication · divorce · family · love · marriage
Tagged: amazing marriage, better marriage, communication in marriage, correcting husbands, Dr. Gottmann, family, love, marriage, Paul McCartney
Soledad O’Brien recently aired a series on CNN called Black in America, which touched on the decline in marriage for African-Americans and how to turn it around. A featured couple had become so caught up in parenting their teen girls (their #1 priority) and in their careers that they had lost the connection with one another. When they had a major conflict about their daughters, neither would budge. They were discussing divorce, and their daughters knew they were moving toward a separation, when they entered a short, intensive workshop for Black couples.
Rather than focus on “overcoming the conflict” the workshop aimed to help couples reconnect with what they love about one another and to help them realize and renew their commitment toward one another. That can be tough when two people have huge walls up and have obvious anger. You often hear words like this couple spoke, “I don’t want to live the next 30 years like this.”
One technique that was used to get back to the emotional connection that people in love share was the use of music. It’s a great idea that you could use to help reconnect with your spouse at any time. Looking for a new way to spice up date night? This could be fun.
Each spouse was to bring to the workshop the two songs that spoke to him/her about what they love about their partner or their relationship. Music speaks to us in such a different way than words do. There are the lyrics, of course, but songs evoke a feeling, and often a time and place. Hearing those special songs together can help break down some barriers, and even melt away some hostility.
During the show, for instance, the husband brought in a very sexy song that made everyone laugh, and it reminded him of the intimacy he enjoyed with his wife. The song his wife picked made the husband realize how much she really loved him. They smiled and embraced, a turning point in reconnecting. Of course we didn’t witness the entire workshop and how they were able to recommit their marriage, but this couple was in tears by the end, so grateful they had given their relationship another try. They started really listening to one another and were able to come to an agreement about their parenting conflict, once they realized they were mutually committed.
The point is that sometimes we focus too much on individual conflicts when we really need to put them aside so that they don’t eat away at the relationship. Devote much more time to having fun together, enjoying the things that brought you together in the first place. This couple’s other primary mistake was to put their daughters’ many activities above the priority of the marriage.
So, what song speaks to you about your love? Plan an evening in the near future with each of you sharing two songs that signify your love.
Categories: Communication · divorce · family · love · marriage
Tagged: better marriage, Black in America, conflict in marriage, connecting after conflict, connecting through music, family, improving marriage, love, marriage, preventing divorce, Soledad O'Brien
