Life Gems

Entries from July 2009

Overcoming Sexual Temptation in Marriage

July 30, 2009 · 2 Comments

Poison ivy is my nemesis. I’ve learned the hard way to stay as far away from it as possible or suffer the consequences for weeks. I used to try to carefully pull it myself, but I’m convinced that the oils are strangely attracted to me. Now, when I see it in the yard, I stop weeding or whatever I’m doing and ask someone else to carefully remove it for me.

If we treated sexual temptation in the same way, there would be a lot less remorse, heartbreak and broken marriages. Sexual temptation is not something that we are adequately equipped to face head-on.

Two of my female interviewees shed light on how to handle tempting situations. (Maybe you think women are never tempted, but they are often tempted to begin emotional affairs, which can lead to physical affairs. Men are believed to physically cheat more frequently, so it’s even more important for them to not place themselves in risky situations.)

So, back to the two women. The first was a newlywed who didn’t feel her husband was meeting her needs. She opened up to a man at work who was also unhappy in his marriage. They had lunches and team-building meetings together. Before long, their one-on-one lunches were being held at a local motel. This wife was very fortunate to salvage her marriage 30 years ago, and both spouses made major changes over a long period of time to build a new relationship. Many marriages would not have survived this major breach of trust.

The second woman—who thought she would never be tempted sexually—was attracted to a music teacher with whom she had private lessons at home. Her husband was busy with work, and she found herself listening too hard for the instructor’s compliments and enjoying his company too much. She decided to quit the lessons and tell her husband about her feelings. The fact that her husband had no jealousy or feelings of mistrust (in fact he just joked about it) is a testament to the strength of their relationship. She ended the contact before her feelings became a problem, but she felt it wasn’t worth risking her marriage to place herself in a tempting situation.

I doubt there’s anyone who has been married more than a few years who hasn’t faced at least a tinge of attraction or temptation toward someone other than their spouse. Mutual attraction can be a nice feeling. You find someone who has common interests, “gets” your personality or is fun to be with. However, you only have to read about the politicians, celebrities, and even people of faith, whose private lives have been splashed across the news to know it’s a serious and common problem. They all probably thought they could handle the temptation.

Do you think flirtations and private communication with members of the opposite sex are no big deal? Better to treat these liaisons like poison ivy.

Categories: divorce · family · love · marriage
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Be Optimistic about Relationships

July 27, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Sometimes the bad news about marriage can seem overwhelming. Dr. Russ Guss writes about optimism in relationships in his Moment-to-Moment Optimism blog. He finds there is plenty of good news, for example some facts he shares:

*The 10-year marriage failure rate of college and non-college graduates is down to 16% for first time marriages in the 1990s.

*Men and women born in the 1930s and married in the 1950s have the highest marriage without divorce rate of any generation: 96%.

*The majority of couples who experience infidelity in marriage remain married.

*Individuals who marry after age 25 have better odds of making their marriage succeed.

*Weaker relationships appear to be ending before marriage. (Selecting a life mate is a huge decision. I’m hoping people are giving it a little more serious consideration.)

*Couples are choosing to overcome tough problems and make their marriage work through “hard work.”

*Society cares little whether the man or woman makes more money.

*In the early stages of a romantic relationship, our brains “turn off the button” that searches for perceived personality flaws and focuses on fun and pleasure. (This may be helpful when it comes to falling in love, but keep in mind that your brain is naturally inclined to be more negative with your long-time spouse than with the new cutie in the next cubicle. Your perceptions can override reality. Instead of looking elsewhere, if you continually put positive energy in your marriage, you will improve your chances for success.)

Categories: Communication · divorce · family · love · marriage
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New Marriage Rules

July 23, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Good Housekeeping recently published some “New Rules for a Good Marriage” debunking some popular myths. Some of your biggest marriage fears may be wiped away. Here’s a peek:

Myth: Couples may drift apart as their interests diverge or personalities change.
Truth: In reality, experts say most happy couples share surprisingly little in common. One is an introvert, the other an extrovert. One likes sports, the other knitting. But they find a way to support one another and spend time together. For instance, she knits on the couch while he watches the game. Couples who have more shared interests don’t have a better chance of staying married. The new rule is that a marriage doesn’t run on feelings, but on hard work, compromises and the ability to unite during both good times and crises.

Myth: As you age, sex will become less important.
Truth: Intimacy often improves over time as couples find what makes them both happy. Even after menopause, most women report their sex lives either stay on par or improve. The new rule is that partners’ communication about what they want sexually is linked to happier sex lives.

Myth: When the kids leave home, there will be nothing left to hold the marriage together.
Truth: Marriages that seem empty after the kids leave have been empty for some time; it’s just now noticeable. However, many couples say their marital satisfaction improves after the children leave the nest. The new rule is that spouses gain time, money and freedom, and often have fewer conflicts, after the kids leave. Make a list of what you’d like to do together, and rediscover each other.

Myth: Every man will have a midlife crisis (and do something drastic).
Truth: A period of reevaluation is common for both men and women during middle age as perspectives change. Instead of negative changes, many over 55 are looking forward to “reinventing” themselves for their next life phase. The new rule is that these periods of reevaluation can be good for each spouse as an individual, and good for them as a couple.

Read the full Good Housekeeping article.

Categories: divorce · family · love · marriage
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What Factors Make Your Marriage Less Likely to Last?

July 20, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Love isn’t enough for a marriage to succeed, say researchers from the Australian National University, who followed 2,500 couples for six years to learn which couples stayed together and which did not.

First, the factors which do NOT seem to impact a marriage’s success rate:

  • How many children a couple has
  • Whether or not the wife works
  • The number of years the couple is employed

The factors that played a significant part in whether marriages lasted were:

  • Second/third marriages—90% are likely to separate or divorce.
  • Age—If a man is under 25 when he marries, or is nine or more years older than his wife, the marriage is twice as likely to fail as if the man is older than 25 or closer to his wife’s age.
  • Blended families—Of those who marry with children from prior relationships, 20% end up divorced.
  • Desire for children—If the woman’s desire for children is much stronger than a man’s, the marriage is unlikely to succeed.
  • Parents’ relationships—Children of divorce had a 17% divorce rate, versus 10% divorce rate for those from intact families.
  • Smoking—Having one smoker in a marriage increases the likelihood of divorce.
  • Money—16% of self-reported poor couples in which the man was unemployed broke up, while 9% of those with comfortable bank accounts divorced.

If one or more of these factors is a concern for your marriage, don’t be pessimistic about your relationship. Instead, discuss it with your partner and seek tools or support for any areas of concern. But if you haven’t married yet, and your fiancé is a 22-year-old unemployed smoker, he has two children from a previous marriage, and he doesn’t want any more children (and you do), think long and hard about it.

What do you think about marriage statistics? Do you give them any credence or do you feel your relationship is unique and not impacted by outside trends?

Categories: divorce · family · love · marriage
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Is Your Marriage in a Rut?

July 15, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Many people are concerned about avoiding the biggest causes of divorce. They understand the major risks of affairs, addictive drugs, or keeping financial secrets from their spouse. Have you ever wondered how many marriages were doomed by boredom? It’s a sneaky marriage killer.

The weariness of the world creeps slowly but surely into our relationships. Remember your newlywed days, when the stress of the world would melt away when you arrived home and entered your mate’s embrace? As long as you were with him or her, ennui didn’t exist. You wanted to know what was on her mind, or what trip he wanted to take next year.

But jobs, children, cooking dinner, mowing the lawn, doing the laundry, shoveling the snow and checking your email somehow took over your life. I know they often do mine.

To help you “Get Your Marriage Out of a Rut,” are some great tips from Sheri & Bob Stritof on About.com. They compare marriage to driving on the freeway; it’s easy to get bogged down in the traffic and rush of everyday living. At some point, you’re so bogged down, you consider whether another relationship will give you the spark you need. (You’ll just end up in the same place.) Instead, realize that you are responsible for allowing your relationship to be in a rut, and you can change it.

Their seven tips for reconnecting:

  1. A weekend away with no kids, TV, Internet, chores or work. What would you do, you ask? “Talk about good memories, of future dreams, of current concerns and fears.”
  2. A weekly date. I agree this can be difficult for those of us with small children, but can you take a walk around the yard or have a cup of coffee on the porch together while the kids play or after they are in bed? You need this time.
  3. Find a peaceful room, uncluttered and inviting, where you can relax together. The Stritoffs suggest you work on one together if you don’t have one now. I like this suggestion; I love hanging out with my husband in our uncluttered sunroom, which has no electricity (thus no TV, radio, or computer).
  4. Write a letter when you need to discuss sensitive issues. Consider reading it in a day or two before giving it to your spouse. I’ve definitely used this one, but I’m a writer. It works to keep tempers down and get your points across clearly.
  5. Make plans for your future. Set some goals.
  6. Spend a positive ten minutes together daily—walking, watching the sunset, reminiscing, hugging, etc.
  7. Do something new each day, even eating a new food. Then you’ll have something new to share with your spouse.

What ideas do you have for staying out of that rut? Read more details in “Get Your  Marriage Out of a Rut.”

Categories: Communication · divorce · family · love · marriage
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Is There Hope for the American Marriage?

July 13, 2009 · 2 Comments

If you’ve ever read something that felt like you were reading your own thoughts, you will understand how much I connected with the July 2 Time Magazine cover story, with the same title as this post—most of it anyway.

Writer Caitlin Flanagan explains how marriage has changed during the past 40 years, and how these changes are affecting American families today. As an example of our obsession with high-profile marriage disasters, she pokes a bit of fun at South Carolina governor Mark Sanford (with his too-much-information mistress emails) and Senator John Ensign of Nevada, who recently made a similar public confession, but was nice enough to leave God out of it, “which must have been a nice break for the Almighty,” she says.

Flanagan calls marriage “an increasingly fragile construct depending less and less on notions of sacrifice and obligation than on the ephemera of romance and happiness as defined by and for its adult principles.” While the two-parent family remains our cultural ideal, frequent bombardment by things like affairs, boredom or lack of commitment are changing its face. (For example, 39.7% of births are now to unmarried women, most of whom are uneducated with low incomes.)

Why does this matter, she asks? Because the collapse of marriage is causing more “measurable hardship and human misery in this country” than any other single cause. And, because it hurts children, reduces their mothers’ financial security, and devastates the underclass. It’s a “catastrophic approach to life,” argued against by the current President and last two Presidents.

As I’ve frequently written about in this blog, she asserts every outcome measured on the wellbeing of children is higher when children are from two-parent, intact families. They live longer, perform better in school, have lower rates of teen pregnancy, criminal behavior, and on and on. Flanagan even quotes an ardent feminist, who after researching, was loathe to admit, yes, a father is important to children, even when he is not important to their mother.

The effect of divorce is true regardless of the child’s race or the family’s income. David Blankenhorn, the president of the Institute for American Values, says, “Children have a primal need to know who they are, to love and be loved by the two people whose physical union brought them here. To lose that connection, that sense of identity, is to experience a wound that no child-support check or fancy school can ever heal.”

What about committed cohabitors? According to researchers, it’s possible to provide a similar level of stability for a child without marriage. Unfortunately, very few cohabitors actually remain committed. Once stress enters the picture, often in the form of a child, “the new mother starts to make wifelike demands on the man, and without the commitment of marriage, he is soon out the door.”

What’s odd, or at least interesting, is that Americans as a whole still say they value lasting marriage as the gold standard. Yet, they may actually hold standards that are impossibly high. Remember that touching moment on Inauguration Night with the Obamas dancing lovingly all night? Flanagan suggests part of the awe and wonder was in “the sight of a middle-aged man and woman still together, still in love.” “We want something like that for ourselves; we recognize that it is something of great worth, but we are increasingly less willing to put in the hard work and personal sacrifice to get there,” she says, adding, “A lasting marriage is the reward, usually, of hard work and self-sacrifice.”

What can be done? “It is time to come to terms with both our unrealistic expectations for a happy marriage and our equally unrealistic beliefs about the consequences of walking away from the families we build,” Flanagan says.

She asks if marriage is simply an institution designed to increase the pleasure of the adults who enter into it. (If so, forget it; life sometimes includes sickness and pain.) Or, is the purpose of marriage “to raise the next generation, to protect and teach it, to instill in it the habits of conduct and character that will ensure the generation’s own safe passage into adulthood?” After all, these are the children, who will be taking care of us when we’re old.

What do you think the purpose of marriage is? I have hope for the American marriage, do you?

Read the Time Magazine article in full: http://tinyurl.com/nbbmkn

Categories: divorce · family · love · marriage
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What Women and Men Want

July 8, 2009 · Leave a Comment

In much of my research about marriage, a couple of words pop up frequently—love and respect. I recently heard a discussion that gave these concepts some fresh understanding. That is: Men primarily desire respect, and women primarily desire love. If a man doesn’t feel respected, it is difficult for him to provide love. If a woman doesn’t feel loved, it is difficult for her to provide respect.

So, there’s the rub. You’re telling your friends that your husband is not fulfilling your needs for love and affection, but you find yourself exasperated and rolling your eyes when he opens his mouth to speak to you. (Marriage researcher Dr. Gottman talks about that eye rolling stage as a dreadful sign.) Guess, what? He won’t feel respected and will be virtually unable to provide the love you desire.

Honestly, I knew a man who used to yell at his family, “I demand respect!” It’s almost laughable today, but rather sad when you think of it. Of course he didn’t get the respect he wanted. The way to earn respect is to provide for the needs of your family in a loving way. Still, a mature wife goes into marriage not telling her husband to earn her respect, but rather offering it to him because it’s a necessary ingredient in a happy marriage.

Respect is a gift that is given not because the husband deserves it, but because the wife has decided she will provide it unconditionally. She will respect him whether he fails or succeeds, when he is unemployed or at the height of a successful career. The wife does not have to endorse all of his behavior, nor does she have to agree with him on every matter. However, she disagrees in a respectful manner (as does he).

I’ll bet if you found 10  men who felt truly respected at home, you would find 10 men who are bending over backwards to make their wives happy. If you don’t believe me, do your best to make your man feel respected and see what happens. Don’t be subtle; tell him outright that you respect him and why. Compliment him to other people, especially when he is within earshot. (One of my interviewees says she can always tell the unhappy couples when they go out, because they are tearing one another down. She says she and her husband work to build one another up to others, “because if I don’t, who will?”)

Now men, you are not off the hook. Men should make a similar decision upon marrying the woman of their dreams that they will love her and always treat her lovingly as an unconditional gift. Your wife doesn’t earn your love by taking care of your children, cooking a nice meal and making sure the dry cleaning is picked up. If husbands behave faithfully (let’s not look for any positive role models in the news today!) and lovingly, they are sowing the seeds of lasting joy in their relationships. Do you think the men who treat their wives with such care and love benefit from a happier homes and better love lives? Try it out and see.

This is not the time for blame. Start with yourself.

Tell us, how does your wife make you feel respected? How does your husband make you feel loved? When you increase the love and respect you give, what happens to your mate?

Categories: Communication · divorce · family · love · marriage
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9 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Healthy

July 6, 2009 · 1 Comment

Almost three-quarters of wives have considered leaving their husbands at some point, according to a Women’s Day and AOL Living Poll. CNN.com reports it’s a wonder anyone ends up walking into the sunset as “geriatric lovebirds.”

Because each stage of life offers new challenges, CNN.com provides nine ways you can protect the health of your relationship no matter which stage you’re currently in. Here’s a brief summary of the tips:

  1. Watch your waistline—Married couples have larger waistlines, which can cause chronic health conditions and diminish sexual attraction. Watch portion sizes.
  2. Make a financial plan— Money is the number-one argument topic for couples. Even if you have different spending tendencies and priorities (many couples do), resolve your issues by making a plan and maintaining honesty about money.
  3. Create family rules—The way you grew up may be different from your spouse’s background and different from how you want to raise your family. Discuss home responsibilities, family priorities, how you plan to raise your children and how you will run your home as early as possible.
  4. Make sex a priority (but not a chore)—If you schedule sex, it may turn into yet another responsibility. Regular intimacy is necessary for a healthy marriage.
  5. Be flexible—During life transitions, your roles may change or be adjusted. Your spouses’ value (or your own) doesn’t depend on his or her paycheck or job.
  6. Remain active—Find an activity you can enjoy together, to remain healthy and enhance your sex life.
  7. Confide in a friend—A close friend can provide empathy and advice, but share carefully.
  8. Rediscover one another—After the nest is empty, marital satisfaction generally improves. Use the freedom to enjoy each other.
  9. Be a conscious caregiver—As you and your spouse age, chances are good one of you will need to be caregiver at least for a time. Ask for help when you need it. Caring for yourself will enhance the care you provide.

For the full CNN.com article, visit: http://tinyurl.com/nkj2w6.

Categories: Communication · divorce · family · love · marriage
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Giving Military Marriages a Boost

July 2, 2009 · 1 Comment

As if it isn’t enough that soldiers risk their lives from our country, they also risk their marriages due to long separations and the stress that accompanies active military service. I’ve had requests from some service members for tips on keeping the home fires burning, as well as how to effectively reunite the family after a tour of duty. Thankfully, two in-depth interviews with exemplary military families helped shed some light on this topic. Any families enduring a long separation could use some of these tips.

Before the soldier leaves:

  1. Enlist the help of family, friends, church members and neighbors to help support the family while the soldier is away. Make a list of concrete ways your family will need help, from lawn or home maintenance to babysitting or grocery shopping.
  2. The spouse at home may need to learn to accept help, even when he or she hasn’t in the past. It helps to focus on the support and love rather on the negative circumstances of being separated from the spouse.
  3. Invite letters, care packages and prayers and provide simple guidelines that would be helpful for the soldier or unit.
  4. Give the immediate family plenty of alone time prior to the deployment.

While the soldier is away:

  1. Consider a blog to help keep family and friends updated on your own schedule. This prevents having to repeat updates on the soldier or unit (for the soldier and spouse at home) and keeps the soldier updated on the family.
  2. Remember phone calls can be inconvenient for one or both spouses. Plan a convenient time if phone calls are important.
  3. Play upbeat, fun music to keep the house from getting somber. Plan fun activities with friends or family.
  4. Use videoconferencing only if it makes sense for your family. For some spouses it is too painful. For young children, they may not understand why mommy or daddy is on the screen, but they can’t touch them.
  5. Focus on the positive aspects of your spouse and your life. Keep negative news at bay by turning off the news and keeping TVs out of the bedrooms.  
  6. Keep precious reminders of loved ones close at hand—a special letter, a photo of each family member, perhaps a special piece of jewelry or memento.
  7. The traveling spouse may still be able to handle certain home responsibilities, such as banking, with online services.
  8.  Young children who don’t have a concrete understanding of time could make a paper chain with a link for each day the soldier will be away. Invite them to send pictures and letters to their absent parent.
  9. Reach out to support groups or other spouses in similar circumstances.

When the soldier returns:

  1. Plan a welcome-home celebration to thank everyone who has offered support and to honor the soldier for his or her service.
  2. Be patient. Particularly when the soldier has been gone for a lengthy tour, the family has often adapted to his or her absence, and the soldier may no longer feel as if he or she fits in as before. The at-home spouse became the leader and took the role of two parents, so time to assimilate is needed. Give the immediate family space and time to sort this out. Children may also need time to sort through their emotions.
  3. Be sensitive to soldier’s sleep needs. The soldier has just returned from a different world and may be battling anxiety, nightmares, difficult sleep patterns or may awaken disoriented after having just returned.
  4. Express your gratitude and praise to the spouse who cared for the family as well as to the soldier who performed in the field.
  5. Stress can often bring a couple closer together. Use the experience as a catalyst for recognizing and appreciating what is truly important to you both.

Two in-depth military profiles will be shared in my upcoming book, From First Kiss to Lasting Bliss, Secrets of Successful Marriages. Contact me if you would like to stay updated on the book’s progress. Special thanks to all members of the military, single and married.

Categories: Communication · divorce · family · love · marriage
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