Entries from June 2009
Continuing from our last post about not keeping score in your marriage, there is often an internal debate with husbands and wives that if she would only stop nagging him, he would fulfill her every need, and visa versa. Are you waiting for your spouse to change before you are willing to do your part? Then once you do your part, are you only willing to continue if you see your spouse adjust accordingly?
No one should tolerate an abusive spouse, but if you are regularly focusing on perceived faults of your spouse or personality failures (how they “should be” or how they “should act”), you are not really valuing them as a person along with the attributes they have been given. Remember, if you don’t build up your spouse, who will? If they fail and you aren’t there to help them through a crisis, who will? (In fact, a crisis is a wonderful opportunity to solidify your marriage and what you truly stand for. This is why I have interviewed so many successful couples who have been through extremely difficult circumstances.)
Since wives are prone to nagging, try to be the sweet voice your husband longs to come home to, the one who praises his strengths and encourages his dreams. Make him miss you the minute he backs out of the driveway. Husbands, keep your focus and priority on your wife. Be aware of her needs. Praise her beauty and her skill. Listen to her concerns. Be affectionate. Put your computer and phone down when she’s sharing her day or her struggles.
Put effort into your marriage, not monthly but daily. Forgive when you’ve had a bumpy day and try again tomorrow. Work together through adversity. If these acts seem too difficult given your current conflicts, it’s time to see a marriage counselor.
Share the small actions you or your spouse take that make a big difference in your relationship.
Categories: Communication · Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage
Tagged: acts of love, affection, better marriage, effort, Family, husbands, improve marriage, Love, Marriage, nagging, praise, prevent divorce, spouse, wives
The movie, Fireproof, leads a disastrous marriage down a triumphant path through a series of selfless acts, which are detailed in the spinoff book, The Love Dare. The husband’s father dares him to perform specific acts of love for a period of time rather than give up on his marriage, which appears to be doomed. The perspective being offered is that it only takes one person making small changes with a loving heart to improve a marriage dramatically. If spouses are focused on the faults of the other person, they miss the point.
Even if your marriage is not on thin ice like the couple’s in the movie, give some thought to whether or not you frequently keep score in your head, i.e. I did that nice thing, now it’s his turn. Or, I always plan vacations and don’t feel appreciated, so I’m not doing it anymore. I once had a friend who kept score of how many chores she and her husband each performed; they are now divorced.
When an unsatisfied store customer asks to see the manager, imagine if the manager argued back that the customer was wrong. The store would lose sales. But when the manager apologizes and meets or exceeds the customer’s expectations, the customer will likely maintain the relationship with the store. The next time your spouse issues a complaint, instead of becoming defensive, try to act like the manager and listen to your spouse to see if you can resolve the issue. And the next time you want to blurt out something nasty or critical to your spouse, think about whether you could say it in a nicer way—or hold your tongue.
Given how busy we all are with work, church, school, homes and children, it’s almost unfair that you are asked to make time to do even small, loving acts for your spouse. If your relationship is like most couples, its priority level has been pushed down a few notches. Realize that you are not just doing it for your spouse, but for yourself and your children, and as an investment in your future. I’ve found in my personal experience and in my interviews with successful couples, feelings follow actions. So, if you’re just not feeling the love today, do it anyway! Choose to behave lovingly, and your feelings will follow. Your spouse may take notice, but even if he or she doesn’t, choose loving actions anyway.
One of my interviewees (who has overcome an addiction and his wife’s life-threatening illness) says he realized it’s the small things that please his wife, like saying something nice in an e-mail. “It’s nothing extraordinary like leaving a trail of petals to the bedroom filled with a thousand candles. We let each other know we’re thinking of the other and that we really care,” he says.
Brainstorm 5 things you could do in less than 10 minutes. Then act on one thing. Do you believe one person can begin to change a marriage, or does it take two?
For information about Fireproof the movie or The Love Dare, visit: http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/resources/.
Categories: Communication · Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage
Tagged: acts of love, better marriage, Family, Fireproof, improve marriage, Love, Marriage, The Love Dare
Two decades ago, Newsweek magazine joked that a 40-year-old single woman was “more likely to be killed by a terrorist” than ever marry. Though the comment was made in jest, it stuck and was often cited. However, even the not-joking marriage probability rating they offered for a 35-year-old woman was only 5 percent. The story induced quite a lot anxiety, which, it turns out, wasn’t warranted.
While fewer married in their 20s, the rate of women who eventually marry was much higher than expected, according to Newsweek.com’s Marriage by the Numbers. Some trends that did pan out as expected were the higher rates of cohabitation and the emergence and growth of single mothers by choice.
The biggest marriage shift for women has been to wait longer to marry. Additionally, marriage rates for better educated women is much higher than for women with lower levels of education. While the old stereotype said that women who excelled professionally may have been less appealing or “overqualified” as spouses, a 2001 Princeton study shows that college degrees make a woman more likely to marry, not less so. The trend is so pronounced that researchers now worry “that marriage, which confers a host of economic, tax and child-rearing advantages, is becoming disproportionately reserved for better-educated, middle- and upper-class elites.”
Many of today’s 30-somethings are less alarmed today if they haven’t found the perfect mate, says the article. Odds are, in fact much better for those in their 30’s and 40’s who wish to marry to find a spouse than had been assumed. Approximately 90 percent of baby-boomers have married or will marry. In 1960, half of women married by 20. Now, many more women are waiting to finish college and at least begin their careers. As of 1996, a single 40-year-old woman had about a 41 percent chance of marrying. Those odds have increased to just under 50 percent. Today, the median age for a first marriage is 25 for women and 27 for men.
While most of the research focused on women, because data on them was more available, men’s attitudes toward marriage have also changed over time. Both genders of Gen-Xers are said to have a greater commitment to marriage because so many watched their parents divorce. Many men openly seek a wife as much as the reverse. Women are also considering younger men, where previously that was more taboo.
Newsweek revisited 11 of the 14 single 20-something women who were interviewed for the original story. Eight are married, including a pediatrician who met her husband while hiking the Badlands and married at 45. Some said they wished they had found their spouses earlier, especially when battling infertility. Three remained single, one whose fiancée died, another who chose to adopt as a single woman. None who married divorced.
Are you still looking for the perfect spouse? Do you think it helps that people are marrying later in life when they are more mature and established? What are your predictions for future marriage rates? (Or, would you prefer we ignore these predictive statistics entirely?)
For the full Newsweek article, visit: http://www.newsweek.com/id/52295/
Categories: Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage
Tagged: chance of marrying, marriage rates, marriage statistics, marriage trends, marrying later, Newsweek, single women, spouses
What are your goals? If you are like most people, you initially think of your personal goals—work, hobbies, spiritual, etc. A few people view themselves first as a part of a family or couple, so they initially think about things they want to do with their spouse/family. While of course married men and women should maintain individuality, there are some particular times in life when it is especially important to view yourself as part of a team, rather than as an individual goal-seeker. Times of transition or crisis are two such examples.
Marriage and family researcher John Gottman, PhD, studied couples transitioning to parenthood; some had a more difficult adjustment and others fared better. He found that when as new parents, husbands and wives were able to move from a “state of me-ness” to a state of “we-ness,” whereby they sacrificed for the team, they were able to make a successful adjustment.
You may also know some marriages (or maybe even yours), that tend to have a fair amount of conflict. These couples may disagree about how to spend time or money, how to parent, etc. They view one another as being on opposite sides of a tennis net, hitting those issues back and forth, over and over. One couple I interviewed from California said they felt like they were on a long path heading in different directions. After a difficult reconciliation, they felt like they were climbing a steep mountain—but they were doing it together. Eventually, they felt they reached the top. Essentially, they figured out how to become part of the same team, although the struggles of the world did not disappear.
Another couple I interviewed recently was absolutely devastated at the death of their infant child. Their marriage became severely fractured when they were unable to see themselves as part of a couple, but rather saw themselves as individually experiencing such deep sorrow and pain in their own unique ways that they were unable to connect with one another. After a series of events, they finally began grieving together and slowly began to heal and grow in their relationship.
It is not always simple to make this change to move to the same side of the net. Often, a counselor, pastor or mentor can help. I detail in my book on how these couples achieved this successful transition after overcoming some extreme obstacles. However, even in everyday life, it can be challenging to view issues and opportunities as a couple. Did you both agree on where you took your last vacation, or how you celebrate the holidays? If your family has one breadwinner, do you discuss job changes, promotions and relocations before making decisions? If you are parents, do you make parenting decisions privately, then present them with unity?
I enjoy watching my young kids play soccer. Frequently, I see two teammates struggling with each other for the ball, when an opponent is not near them. You often hear the coach yell, “Same team!” I think it’s the same for marriage: If we spend all our time struggling with one another, when the real opponents come around (and they will come), we won’t have a fighting chance. Do you feel like you’re on the same team, or do you need a coach to help create unity?
Categories: Communication · Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage · Parenting
Tagged: arguments, better marriage, conflict, Family, Gottman, improve marriage, Love, Marriage, marriage advice, Relationships, spouse, team
