Entries from May 2009
While you may be confident that your marriage isn’t at risk for a sexual affair, you may be blind to the very real and harmful risks of an emotional affair. A recent article posted by CNN.com and Oprah.com describes emotional affairs, which lack physical intimacy but do involve some secrecy, deception and betrayal.
Often an emotional affair can begin very innocently with a friendship from work, church or the neighborhood. A flirtatious online relationship can also develop into an emotional affair. Couples who are not emotionally connecting are at greatest risk of falling into an emotional affair with another person. This new connection brings about a fresh excitement, a spark, especially when someone you find attractive shows a sincere interest in you as a person and “gets” you even more than you feel your spouse does.
Emotional affairs may be on the rise. In the CNN article, psychiatrist Gail Saltz says, “Though emotional affairs have always been around, I’m seeing more of them among my clients than ever before. We’ve all grown so used to watching, reading, and hearing sexually suggestive material that there’s no longer an obvious verbal or physical line we think we’re crossing.”
She says a man and woman can be friends, but once they stop telling their partners how much time they’re spending together (including texting, phone calls or other communication), it becomes deceptive. Other signs of an emotional affair include making sure you look your best when you’re together and confiding more in this person than you do your spouse, or sharing that you are unhappy in your marriage or with your spouse.
Saltz says this kind of affair can be as harmful and difficult to overcome as a sexual affair. She advises that all contact with the “friend” needs to end, and the difficult marriage rebuilding needs to occur, ideally with professional help. The betrayal can be extremely difficult on the spouse, and cause a huge fracture in the marriage. The reasons for the affair (disconnect in the marriage) need to be addressed.
Preventing these inappropriate relationships is the best course, starting with maintaining open, honest communication with your spouse. “When a couple can’t express their feelings, concerns, and dreams, they’re both at risk for betrayal,” says Saltz. Secondly, avoid sharing too much personal information, especially with a member of the opposite sex. If you find someone attractive, keep some distance or engage with them only when your spouse is present.
“Any good marriage takes time, effort and emotional energy,” says Saltz, who says any marriage can fall into this trap. Would you risk your marriage with an emotional affair? Is there a relationship in your life that causes your heart to beat a little faster? Beware.
Categories: Communication · divorce · family · love · marriage
Tagged: affair, causes of divorce, divorce, emotional, family, love, marriage, Relationships
What do you want most for your children? Really think about it for a minute…(Are you thinking?) I’ve heard a lot of parents say what they really want more than anything is for their children to be happy. To that response, I ask, really? Is the pursuit of personal happiness really the best and highest calling for your child? What are you seeking for yourself—pleasure, happiness, maybe joy? What do these even mean?
Of course I don’t want my children to be unhappy, but to be honest, sometimes a little unhappiness is necessary for them to understand a lesson and to grow as people. The same goes for me, unfortunately. I don’t think we should expect to be happy all the time. Stress, illness and death are part of life. Work and sacrifice can be good qualities, but aren’t particularly pleasant. If we teach our children to pursue only happiness, why would they want to help others when it is inconvenient? Why would they strive to impact the world in a positive fashion? That just takes their focus off of their goal of happiness.
Interestingly, the happiest couples I have interviewed have been the ones who are truly seeking to make their spouse happy before themselves. It’s a cycle and a process that continues to reward each of them.
Pleasure is often a good thing—enjoying the scent of the flowering trees as you drive by, tasting the grilled salmon that you craved for dinner, touching your spouse or children lovingly, hearing the sound of the birds outside your kitchen window. Opening our senses to feel and truly experience pleasure is wonderful.
Pleasure can also be very self-serving. A popular web site (whose name I won’t promote) calls itself “the world’s premier discreet dating service” and has a trademarked tag line: “Life is short. Have an affair.” They promise, “Join free, and change your life today. Guaranteed!” Yes, your life will be changed, but not for the better. Their invitation to “Sleep with someone else’s wife tonight,” may entice those whose ultimate goal is personal pleasure. But will these exclusive members experience happiness or joy?
In Surprised by Joy, C.S. Lewis, describes joy as a “technical term that must be sharply distinguished from both Happiness and Pleasure.” He says, “The only thing Joy has in common with the others is that anyone who has experienced it will want it again.” Where Joy differs, he continues, is that anyone who has tasted joy would never exchange it for all the pleasures in the world. “But then Joy is never in our power and Pleasure often is.” Yes, there’s the rub, joy we have to wait for, and pleasure (and even happiness to some extent) we can go in search of.
Joy, I think, is a much deeper satisfaction, bliss, the opposite of misery and regret, a connection to the divine. It’s not really within our power, but I think it can result from a multitude of right choices, even of self-sacrifice and love for others. It seems sort of counter-intuitive that by not prioritizing your own pleasure, you can achieve a deeper enjoyment, but I think it’s true. That’s not to say pleasure can’t still be a part of your life, but there are higher priorities.
In your marriage, in your financial decisions, in how you raise and instruct your children, what do you think is most important for them to learn? Where do you hope to lead your spouse and family, and what example will you show? I wish you Joy.
Categories: Books · Communication · Parenting · family · love · marriage · personal growth
Tagged: children, family, goals, happiness, husband, improve marriage, joy, marriage, pleasure, wife
When I see my children with their father, I can’t imagine their lives without him there on a daily basis. The bond they share is as close as theirs to me, but it’s different in many ways. Fathers provide not only a vital role in child rearing, but also in supporting and assisting mothers and in demonstrating to children how a man should treat a woman. Apparently in the U.S., fewer and fewer children are enjoying this important bond with their fathers.
The number of children being born to single mothers has risen sharply in recent years, according to The Washington Post. This trend is being attributed not to teen parents, but to women in their 20s and 30s who are choosing to have children without being married. Nearly 40% (4 of every 10 births) are now to unmarried women, up from 18% in 1980.
Some causal factors being discussed include a lower social stigma associated with unmarried motherhood, an increase in cohabitation and delaying of marriage, and an increase in financially independent and older women deciding to have children on their own (for instance after delaying having children until their career was established).
The Post cited some experts giving positive reasons more women are now single mothers, for instance in the past more were compelled to give up children for adoption or coerced into abortions, and now pregnancy to a single mother is common. Other experts said “the trend is disturbing because children who grow up without stable, two-parent families tend not to fare as well.” (Just a note: I think it’s clear there are many single moms who do an excellent job given a difficult set of circumstances, and they should be acknowledged.)
Worldwide, this trend is even more apparent, according to USA Today. In Northern European countries, marriage rates are substantially lower than in the U.S. Iceland has the highest number of out-of-wedlock births, with 6 in 10 births to unmarried women. There are some differences between the U.S. and other countries, however. “U.S. mothers are more likely to be single parents because the non-married relationship doesn’t tend to last very long,” says demographer Patrick Heuveline, so many more of these children in the U.S. are born to single mothers without fathers present. In European countries these births tend to be in two-parent cohabitations, to parents who are in a stable union but unmarried.
How do you react to these statistics? How do you think these trends will affect the next generation of Americans? Does marriage provide any value to society or is it a dying institution? Do you think fathers are vital or optional to children’s upbringing?
Categories: Parenting · family · love · marriage
Tagged: babies, children, cohabitation, family, fathers, marriage, marriage rates, marriage statistics, marriage trends, motherhood, pregancies, unwed mothers
Sometimes people are looking for the magic pill or the one right answer that will improve their marriage. The successful couples I have interviewed have not always followed the same path to success. Many of them have faced extreme adversity. However, most of them share some common behaviors and attitudes. There are plenty of simple things you can do—this very day, requiring very little time or effort—to improve your marriage. Here are some ideas:
- Perform a very small kindness for your partner. Leave a sticky note on the mirror that says I love you. Send them a quick email with appreciation for something they did. Give them a genuine compliment. Call a babysitter and book her for a future night out. One man I interviewed mails his wife notes from the office even when he is not traveling. He sometimes leaves a note under her pillow if he is going on a trip.
- Find something to laugh about together. Is there something one of your kids or pets did that was amusing? Call and tell them. Rent a funny movie, or tell him a funny story from work. Share a private joke at a party. A well-developed sense of humor can carry you through some tough times together.
- Spend five or 10 minutes during the day or just before bed talking/connecting—with no TV or kids nearby.
- Consider holding back one criticism today, especially if it really isn’t that big of a deal. If something is really bothering you, find the right time and place to have that discussion.
- Touch is important. Kiss him hello or goodbye (a real kiss); hug her after the dishes are done. Rub your partner’s back, or run your fingers through his hair. Hold hands while you take a walk. Sit close while you’re watching TV.
- Plan something fun for the future. It can be in 15 years when the kids are grown or next weekend, but have something you both look forward to. Make a list of places you would like to go or things you would like to do together “one day.”
- Be consciously grateful for the good things in your life, even when you have some very bad things happening. Talk to your partner about what you are thankful for in life in general and in your marriage and family. Many couples found this to be a conscious decision during a difficult time, that they would focus on the good in their lives.
Which one are you going to do today? Make a mental note of your spouse’s reaction and try another one tomorrow. Do you find your spouse is responsive?
Categories: Communication · family · love · marriage
Tagged: affection, better marriage, Communication, family, husband, improve marriage, love, marriage, spouse, wife
Last week, I shared insights from Darryl Cobbin for fathers and husbands. This week, I wanted to link to his second article, which focuses on stress the need to have a support network that extends beyond your immediate family. In it, he cites, “According to the latest Gallup poll, two-thirds of all Americans say they are stressed because of the recession and almost half worry that they won’t be able to support their families. Calls to mental health hotlines have almost doubled in the last year. Emergency rooms are seeing spikes in people being admitted for alcohol abuse and drug overdoses. I read one report in Newsday that one ER admitted two men for overdosing on Tylenol! One had a fight with his wife; the other was just feeling overwhelmed. Some of us are destroying ourselves by self-medicating in solitude when the only prescription we really need is each other.”
Cobbin also kindly links his readers back to this blog (Life Gems) as a resource, and I’m so appreciative of that recommendation. Finally, at the end of his article you’ll find a short survey to test your stress level. I’ve known several strong men who hid their stress well, but only on the outside and later had detrimental effects to their careers or families. Stress isn’t just an attitude; high levels of cortisol can be tested in your blood, and stress can cause serious health problems. Take the quiz, talk to your family, and build a strong support network. What’s your stress number?
Categories: Uncategorized
If you had a social scientist on your shoulder for a day, how many positive interactions would he count between you and your spouse? That could include a good morning kiss, a playful pat on the behind, a kind comment or a hug for washing the laundry. Now, think about how many negative interactions he would count, including rolling eyes or nonverbal communication, as well as complaints, snide remarks, cut downs or any other unhappy interaction.
During a 26-year study, psychologist and author John Gottman, PhD, discovered why married couples fail or succeed. It came down to this simple fact: Couples who maintain a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions usually succeed. Those who fall below a one-to one-ratio usually fail.
Surprisingly, even if the relationship had a lot of other problems, this one fact still held true. So, even volatile couples, or couples that tend to avoid conflict can still succeed.
Dr. Gottman explained in his research that the one negative interaction is actually crucial to success, because conflict helps couples clear the air and work out grievances. It creates somewhat of a renewal when the conflict is worked out.
Make it a point to ask your partner about their day, tell them you love them on the phone and give them a hug or kiss when you part. All the little things will add up to a stronger marriage.
Categories: Communication · divorce · family · love · marriage · personal growth
Tagged: better marriage, Communication, divorce, family, love, marriage
Job stress. Unemployment. Lifestyle changes. The changing role of the breadwinner. Marital stress. These are issues facing a lot of men today, but we are learning what sometimes happens when some men in crisis reach the tipping point with no one to talk to.
I’m sure, like me, you’ve been alarmed at the rash of suicides, apparently perpetrated by fathers who are in financial crisis. What’s even more shocking is that some of these men are so distraught that they also take the lives of their wives and children. I always wonder, did they really think they had no one to whom they could turn?
Author Darryl Cobbin wrote an article recently that shed light on fathers’ roles in this economy. He explains that these incidents, most recently the apparent suicide of Freddie Mac’s acting CFO, demonstrate how the financial crisis has deeply personal implications that we are not talking about enough.
Cobbin shares his own experience as an executive for Coca Cola, a father of two and a husband to a stay-at-home mother. He shares his decision to leave this corporate safety to venture out on his own, due to downsizing and a job reduction. This private man went public with his own story to communicate that men are not alone in feeling at risk, in feeling that their identity or worth is tied to their jobs.
On the other hand, he says, “You also have to remember that when your kids greet you as you walk through the door at the end of a day of work, they don’t care about your title or paycheck. They love you because you are you…Remind yourself of this fact every day.”
That’s not to say lifestyle changes haven’t been hard on his family, but they have found many benefits, including becoming closer as a family, and spending more time together.
You can follow his story at the Huffington Post. Cobbin is a good example of how opening up communication about your own life can help others relate, and possibly reduce their stress and insecurity. Women need to be alert to stress in their partners’ lives, and to encourage and build them up instead of adding to the worry and stress. Also, encourage your husband’s relationships with trusted friends and family. Men, don’t be afraid to reach out to other men, who may be going through many of the same issues as you.
In my interviews with successful married couples, I’ve learned that it is often in crises that couples grow the most and solidify their foundation. How would your spouse describe your stress level today?
Categories: Communication · family · love · marriage
Tagged: crisis, economy, family, love, marriage, stress
