Entries from April 2009
I heard author Gary Chapman on the radio today, and it reminded me of a book he wrote years ago I found very useful. You may have heard of The Five Love Languages. The book recommends identifying your primary love language, and that of your spouse and children.
We all have a primary love language through which we feel most loved. Here are the five primary love languages:
1. Words of affirmation—compliments, praise, appreciation
2. Spending quality time together—while focusing all your energy on your partner
3. Receiving gifts—Inexpensive or valuable, it’s the thought that counts
4. Acts of service—help with chores, errands, childcare, etc.
5. Physical touch—from a simple hug to lovemaking
When your spouse or your children feel loved, they are more productive and happy, Chapman says. When they don’t feel loved, they may seek love in inappropriate ways.
I remember talking to my husband about his love language after reading the book, and I was surprised at his response. So, don’t take it for granted that you know your spouse so well you don’t need to ask. Find out how he or she feels most loved, and share the way you feel most loved. Frequently, couples have different styles. If your language is acts of service, and you frequently help your spouse in this way, you may feel you are very loving. On the other hand, if your loved one longs to have a night alone, he or she may not feel very loved.
The book of course provides more details into how to determine one’s love language and how to make your loved ones feel most loved. However, just having a conversation is a good first step. Remember that your actions may not have the same impact you intend. Knowing your loved ones’ primary love languages can make you a more effective parent and lover.
So, ask your partner tonight: What’s your love language?
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Personal Growth · Uncategorized
Tagged: better marriage, children, Family, improve marriage, Love, love language, Marriage, parent, raising children
When is the last time you did something fun, new and exciting with your spouse? If you can’t remember, then a new study should get your attention, which says it’s not just conflict that separates couples; boredom can doom the marriage just as well.
Researchers from Stony Brook University and University of Michigan interviewed 123 couples in their first marriage when they were seven years into their marriage and again at 16 years of marriage.
At seven years of marriage, couples were asked how often they felt bored or in a rut. Their levels of satisfaction were also evaluated. Researchers found the couples who expressed more boredom at year 7 had significantly reduced satisfaction levels at year 16. Being bored reduces closeness, and over time that will reduce marriage satisfaction, they found.
“If partners experience excitement from other sources (such as new, challenging activities) in a shared context, this shared experience can reignite relationship passion by associating the excitement with the relationship,” the researchers wrote.
Couples I have interviewed with very happy marriages frequently have shared activities they enjoy. One couple recently told me they like to take bicycle rides and explore new areas together, or go on weekend adventures together.
What are some things you have always wanted to try? Brainstorm with your partner some fun, new things you would like to explore together.
Categories: Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage
Tagged: better marriage, boredom, excitement, improve marriage, intimacy, Love, Marriage, prevent divorce, tips for better marriage
If you entered your marriage telling your husband what shirt to wear, what job he should apply for and how to spend his free time, you may now be experiencing the down side to that arrangement. I hear mutterings from many wives that their husbands are not leaders in their homes. Some husbands let their wives plan all the events, do all the entertaining and manage the household schedule. Maybe the husband helps with home maintenance, but only when he’s told to. Maybe the husband isn’t good with money, so the wife has taken that on as well, telling her spouse when he can spend money and how much.
Admittedly, the motive is not negative. We want to control our busy lives more efficiently, and we women are good a multitasking and managing our time. But it becomes a trap when we become more like a mother to our husbands than a wife, and we don’t allow them to act or feel like a man.
Someone who is always told what to do will likely stop taking initiative. So he may become stagnant in his life and role as father or husband. He may not even feel very manly in the bedroom. One consequence is he may look to another woman who makes him feel like a man and who looks up to him for the positive qualities he embodies. In fact, the first woman who shows him this kind of attention will probably spark something in him he thought was dead.
Part of the problem is that we as a culture have done a poor job of defining what a real man is, how to be one and how to value one. As parents it is our sacred duty to teach our young boys what it means to be a real man and a good husband and father—a loving protector, a leader who helps guide the family toward a common goal. I’m all for equal rights for women and believe women’s opinions should be equally valued. I also believe that a loving man who is allowed to use his leadership skills will blossom in his family and will be a treasure for his community.
Men are frequently valued for their leadership skills at work. When they are allowed to use these skills in their homes and communities, I believe we will see the family and the community blossoming. Boys need to be taught that leading does not mean controlling. It means sacrificing and loving, showing a positive example, teaching and encouraging, supporting and being physically and emotionally present. These qualities are what every woman wants in a husband. So wives, encourage your husbands in this area, and build them up with positive feedback. When we as wives pretend our husbands can’t take proper care of the children, prepare a meal or handle household tasks, we are devaluing them. Spouses each need to show appreciation for the other’s contributions both inside and outside the home.
Men: Do you feel like you have the skills to be a leader in your home and community? If not, can you spend more time with a man whom you admire for these skills? How do you see your role as a lover, leader and protector of women and children in your life? How do you evaluate and provide for the needs of your family—emotionally, physically and spiritually?
Women: Do you value it and react positively when your man shows initiative and leadership, or do you value control a little too much? Does your husband make any decisions in your home? Is his opinion valued? What qualities do you really admire in your man? Tell him today!
Categories: Family · Love · Marriage · Parenting
Tagged: better marriage, children, Family, father, husband, improve marriage, leader, leadership, Love, man, manly man, Marriage, real man, strengthen marriage
The Wall Street Journal provided some marriage advice this week for the many couples who argue about money in an article called “Money Matters Can Make or Break a Marriage.” It’s not just marriages writer Jeff Opdyke is aiming to improve, it’s also the financial wellbeing of the households.
The problem: A great many couples are feeling the pinch right now, but even when the economy is flying high, many couples argue about money more than anything else. They argue about how to spend it, save it, invest it and budget it. Frequently, one spouse has more financial prowess than the other, or at least has a greater interest in the topic. The other may find his or her eyes glazing over at the mere suggestion to set a budget together. There are also many marriages in which neither spouse has a great financial understanding, putting them at risk for questionable decisions. If even one of you thinks this is a problem, it’s time to take action.
The solution: Seek help.
Because financial arguments bring emotional baggage, tempers can flare. Deeper issues surface. Spouses feel they and their needs are not understood. Putting a neutral person in the middle greatly improves the chances of making progress. Getting a financial planner or financial counselor involved can greatly diffuse tempers and can keep you from making decisions based on emotions. Let him or her know ahead of time that this is an area in which you have disagreements, and inform the counselor of your specific issues or goals. “With such a strategy, you’re letting the pro absorb the energy that would otherwise fuel a fight, and you’re getting impartial advice that can work to bridge the differences separating you two,” writes Opdyke.
He adds that you don’t have to care about the financial details, you just have to care about the relationship enough to forge a path that meets both of your needs. The resulting plan can hopefully put you on a much better track for financial health as well as marital health.
To find a pro, ask friends or colleagues to recommend a professional they’ve worked with, or call a professional association and explain your needs. You could consider a fee-based financial planner or find someone to offer ongoing support. If you think you can’t afford such services, think about how much a divorce could cost you.
Do you understand your partner’s financial hopes and dreams? Does one of you want to spend the tax refund on a big-screen TV or new sun room, while the other wants to save it for the kids’ college? Is one of you so obsessed about saving for the future, that you haven’t taken a vacation in years? Stop arguing and get a financial checkup, along with advice from a pro.
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Relationships
Tagged: argue, better marriage, economy, Family, financial, financial advice, financial problems, improve marriage, Marriage, money, money advice
Do you sometimes wonder whether it’s possible to make a significant impact on the world, or even on your own family? Do you feel like a grain of sand on the beach in the scheme of life? I’ve certainly felt that way, but have been buoyed by several concepts that show how broad each person’s reach really is.
- You’ve all heard of the “Six Degrees of Separation,” meaning six or fewer people separate us from anyone else in the world. As we become more connected virtually, I think it’s clear there is even less and less separation between us and anyone else. It takes literally no time at all to connect with people of common interest around the world. Your voice, your ideas, your money—they all travel faster and further than ever.
- Second, think about the happiness research that underscores that friends—and even friends of friends—are quickly impacted by your happiness. Happiness spreads faster than sadness, and close physical contact has more impact that distant communication. People are attracted to positive energy, a light in the darkness, a kind word or a friendly smile.
- Finally, I chuckled when I read a quote by business philosopher Jim Rohn, which states that you are the average of the five people with whom you spend the most time. Better start paying attention to who you are with the most. Hopefully, you are spending enough time with your children to have a significant positive impact on their development.
What kind of impact do you want to have in life? Take the time to reach out to someone—across the globe, across the street, or in your own family. Be aware that others may have a larger impact on your attitudes and behavior than you realize, just as you may have a large impact on others. Who and what is surrounding you, your spouse and your children?
How do you want to be thought of or remembered? How you live is how you will be remembered.
Categories: Communication · Family · Parenting · Personal Growth · Relationships
Tagged: Communication, Connection, Family, happiness, impact, Parenting, Personal Growth, positive, success
Author and psychologist Maggie Scarf, who has herself been married 55 years, interviewed 75 couples between 50 and 75 years old to learn about marriage in the later years. The result is a book called “September Songs: The Good News About Marriage in the Later Years.” She expected lots of complaints about how tough life and marriage was in these longer marriages. What she found was that most marriages showed a U-shaped trajectory over time.
In the beginning of these marriages was a blissful peak, which was followed by a challenging time with the stress of career building and child rearing. Many of you are currently in this challenging time. In fact, this is frequently when marriages fall apart or become extremely worn out. “Every marriage has a downside, a time when you looked across the room and thought …what is it with this person?” Scarf said. But there is a longer view to keep in mind.
What Scarf found was that couples who got through the tough patches gained more time together and “refound” one another, including the fun and intimacy they once had. They actually regained that peak point, making the other side of the U. Scarf calls these happier older years the “bonus years” which include a longer, healthier, happier life.
The secret of a long marriage may be that couples who stay together can envision this up side while they are enduring stressful times. In fact, I just interviewed an amazing military family that has endured an Iraq deployment and many years of infertility. Now that they have a house full of young children (whom they struggled and longed for), they have little time for one another. However, they like to focus on the joy amidst the current chaos, and the peace they will eventually enjoy together when their children are a little older. In short, they can see to the other side.
Where are you in the “U”? How do you envision your future together?
Categories: Books · Family · Love · Marriage · Marriage Research · Parenting · Relationships
Tagged: better marriage, Family, long-lasting marriage, long-term marriage, Love, Marriage Research, U-shaped curve
