Entries from March 2009
This week on The Today Show, Jim and Bernadette Tobin told their story of marriage, divorce and remarriage. They are an example of how sometimes life’s great trials bring us greater joy than we could have imagined. With many of the couples I’ve interviewed, major obstacles were the impetus that improved their marriage.
The Tobins married very young (just out of high school), and he worked two or three jobs while she stayed at home with the kids. They found themselves drifting apart over the years, and after the children left home, they felt they didn’t have much left. Jim regrets that he didn’t take the time to really get to know his wife or children back then. They divorced after 27 years together. Then, after seven years of living apart and even dating others, Jim became desperately ill and needed a kidney transplant to survive.
Bernadette saw how much he enjoyed being with his children and grandchildren and wanted him to have a chance at life. It turns out she was a good match, and she generously donated a kidney to save his life. That act caused Jim to feel more loved than he had ever been before. They recuperated together and eventually moved in together to save money. Over a long 10 years, they grew to realize the love they still had for one another and decided to remarry. This time, they really listened to and appreciated their vows. About the words “In sickness and in health,” Jim says, “When you’re 22, 23 years old, you don’t listen to those words. But this here, you really listen to the words and respect the words, and know that it’s forever in your heart.” 1
Today, they truly appreciate and know one another’s hearts, something they didn’t understand in their youth. It turns out their hearts, as well as their kidneys, were a good match.
The take-away I feel from this story is to take the time to know your partner’s heart and desires as a priority in your life. Is there a way you can make your spouse feel truly loved this week? And, if you are facing a tough obstacle, don’t treat it as insurmountable. Instead, allow it to bring you closer to those you care about.
Do you have a story of something negative that brought you closer to your partner? I’d love to hear about it.
1 The Today Show
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Personal Growth · Relationships
Do teenage girls have a skewed view of reality when it comes to guys, lasting love and marriage? Recent data from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy seem to suggest so. Do we talk about this enough with our daughters, nieces or friends? It looks like our nation’s teens need more of a reality check about their future love lives.
Teen pregnancy is not a new issue, nor is unwed pregnancy. But marriage rates for this group are changing dramatically. The breakup of Bristol Palin and her fiancé Levi Johnston is very typical of what most unwed teens are facing. What do teens hope for and expect when they become pregnant? How does that differ from the reality of what usually happens? Among teens who do marry, what are the odds they’ll stay together?
Here are some facts that the National Campaign just reported:
- At the time of their child’s birth, more than half of unmarried teen mothers say they are either “certain” or chances are “good” they will marry the biological father of the child. However, 8 out of 10 fathers don’t ever marry the teen mother of their child.
- Despite high expectations of marriage, fewer than 8% of teen mothers marry their baby’s father within one year of the birth of their child.
- Teenagers who have a non-marital birth are also significantly less likely to be married by the age of 35 than those who do not have babies as teens.
- Marriage among teens is rare—in 2002 only 2.5% of teens had ever been married, compared to 11% in 1975.
- As recently as 1980, the majority of teen births (52%) were marital births. By 2002, only 20% of teen births occurred within marriage.
- Teen marriages are twice as likely to fail as marriages in which the woman is at least 25 years old.
- It is also the case that most single mothers of all ages who have a child as a result of an unplanned pregnancy remain single and most cohabitating mothers either continue cohabitating or break up with their partner.
“Marriage and birth patterns among teens have changed over time, shifting from a general trend of marrying before pregnancy, to marrying as a result of pregnancy, to becoming pregnant and not marrying,” said Sarah Brown, CEO of The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. “Even though many unmarried teen mothers have high expectations for eventually marrying the father of their child, few ever do.”
According to this data, teen girls may have a fairy tale view of their futures with their boyfriends, which ends up to be far from reality. Whatever your views on teenage sexuality, teenage pregnancy or even marriage, the ones most at risk as a result of these trends are the resulting children, who are shown to thrive best in an intact family. (Previous posts detail lower poverty rates, better health outcomes, etc.) As a society, we all bear the responsibility of helping shape the next generation. While it may not be our legal responsibility to help care for the precious children who result from teen pregnancies, not doing so will only exacerbate problems for the following generation, financially and morally. These children will grow up to be your next door neighbors and possibly your children’s spouses.
How are you communicating your values to the next generation? How are you reaching out to help young mothers trying to care for children alone? How are you raising up the next generation of young men to care for and love their families? How can you use your life experience to help educate others?
Source: National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Relationships
Tagged: Bristol Palin, communicating with teends, marital births, marriage rates, marriage trends, pregnancy, pregnancy rates, talking to teens, teen births, teen pregnancy, teen sexuality
We’ve covered strategies to deal with everyday marital conflict in other articles, but there are times when couples appear to be deadlocked on some important issue. The argument may spill out into other issues, and the couple may feel and express negativity, contempt and sadness toward one another.
According to research by Dr. John Gottman, these distressed couples are “gridlocked” and are facing perpetual, recurring issues. It may be coming out as arguments about how to spend their time or money. However, the arguing couple may be experiencing something deeper–conflicting values and dreams for their future. Basically, behind each position is someone with a dream for his or life as an individual and as a couple. When those dreams and values conflict, people tend to dig in their heels.
Gottman has used a strategy in his research with distressed couples called the “dreams-within-conflict” intervention, which helps the couples to examine together the underlying histories, philosophies, and life dreams of each person/position. The goal is for spouses to see the dreams behind their spouse’s position, and to find a way to honor one another’s dreams within the conflict. (1)
So, if you’re butting heads on the same topics again and again, it may be time for you to look at little deeper. Talk about your dreams for the future and how they can be compatible.
Think about frequent arguments you and your spouse may have. A compassionate approach toward one another may help you find a successful resolution, or at least a compromise. Do you and your spouse have similar goals and dreams? If so, that may bode well for your future. If not, look for more common ground and shared goals to work toward together.
(1) The Marriage Clinic, by John Gottman, www.gottman.com
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Relationships
Tagged: better marriage, Communication, conflict resolution, dreams, Family, improve marriage, marriage advice, strengthen marriage
If it seems like you are having the same argument again and again, you are not alone. Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman conducted a four-year follow-up study with married couples and concluded that 31% of marriage arguments are about short-term issues, and 69% of marital problems are recurring.
His research provides some insight into why some couples handle short-term marriage conflicts better than others, explaining that stable couples have a “gentler approach.” This more effective approach includes:
- Bringing up the problem in a soft, not harsh manner
- Presenting their issues with more positive and less negative affect
- Accepting influence from spouse
- Repairing the interaction when it became negative
- Being willing to compromise
- Using humor in problem solving
Unstable couples, on the other hand, tend to allow the negative discussions to escalate and showed high levels of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and sadness. 1
If you have an issue you would like to talk about with a spouse, think about how you plan to approach and discuss it. First, ask yourself if this is a short-term problem or a recurring argument. As you plan your approach, consider if you are viewing things with your own “right answer” or whether you are willing to listen to your partner’s perspective and compromise. Slamming your partner with an insult or issuing a litany of complaints would not be a good start. Pick a good time and place, and if it’s a small matter, keep the conversation brief.
Don’t be afraid to lighten up. I’ve heard the fastest way to get a man to flee is to open with the plea, “We need to talk.”
(1) The Relationship Research Institute, created by Dr. John Gottman, www.gottman.com
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Relationships
Tagged: art of argument, better marriage, communicatioin, fight fair, improve marriage, marriage advice, strengthen marriage
Acclaimed marriage researchers at the Gottman Institute have conducted independent, vigorous social science research with couples and families for decades. The Institute uncovers some unexpected truths:
1. “People used to believe that it is a mistake to go to bed angry. From research on couples, Dr. Gottman discovered that “flooding” – a physiological phenomenon triggered by emotional conflict — leaves people’s heart rates too high for them to clearly concentrate on the conversation at hand. Research shows that taking the time to calm down before finishing an argument is more likely to help couples stay close and connected. It may be to the couple’s benefit to continue the discussion with cooler heads in the morning.
2. From research on domestic violence, we have learned that couples therapy with battering couples actually makes things worse for the woman—not better. Instead it is suggested that partners find individual help.
3. From research on parents and their children, we know that it is extremely beneficial for children to develop “emotional intelligence”. For this to occur parents need to express their own emotions, and it is especially important for fathers to express their emotions—especially sadness.” 1
I find the first point to be somewhat of a relief. Aren’t there times when you just don’t feel up to an argument, or you need time to sift through your feelings first? This shouldn’t be used as an excuse to avoid your partner, but if you need time to cool off, ask for it. Interestingly some of the successful couples I have interviewed say they never go to bed angry, so there may be some debate on this one.
The second time is somewhat of a surprise, but from what I have read those who are in a violent relationship truly need individual help to see things as they truly are, and not how they perceive them to be. The safety of the person being battered should be paramount.
And the third point is a great reminder to all of us who would like to paint a positive picture of the world around us for our children. One of my absolute favorite movies, “Life is Beautiful,” involves the portrayal of a life of joy amidst the horror of the start of WWII and inside a concentration camp. I still think the point the movie makes is valid, that we must not allow our life view and who we are to be controlled by our circumstances. However, it’s also crucial for children (and adults) to be given permission to feel and express their emotions. Dads may tend to tell their children, “Cheer up” or “Don’t Cry.” Next time, just hug your children (or spouse) and let them express how they feel.
Dr. John Gottman has vast amounts of results from his research, which I will share in future posts. Tell me what you think about the three points he makes above and if you agree or not.
Source: The Gottman Institute, www.gottman.com
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Personal Growth · Uncategorized
Tagged: anger, arguiing, children, domestic violence, emotions, improve marriage, Marriage, marriage advice
Since heart disease is the #1 killer of both men and women in this country, you should be very concerned about the health of your heart and your partner’s heart. Barbara Bush is recovering from heart surgery today, and Robin Williams is about to have the same surgery. Former President George Bush nearly broke down providing an update, showing his deep care and concern for wife of 65 years. Most families have some history with the disease.
In a just-released research report, researchers from the University of Utah show that in addition to known risk factors, such as blood pressure and cholesterol, the quality of emotional lives impacts our risk of heart disease.
One fact suggested by the data is that a history of divorce is linked to heart disease. Another is that an unhappy or strained marriage can lead to high blood pressure, obesity and high blood sugar, particularly in women. This can put them at higher risk for heart disease, stroke and diabetes. Hormonal affects of stress appear to contribute to health problems.
The researchers say that “women appear to be more sensitive and responsive to relationship problems than men” … and that “those problems could harm their health.” The fact that women are more sensitive shouldn’t come as a surprise to us, but I do wonder if more sensitive men are equally affected. In any case, here are some conclusions we should have known all along:
News flash to all husbands: Your wives are sensitive and should be treated with care.
News flash to all couples: harboring anger and frequently arguing is bad for your health.
A study released last year seems to show the flip side of this, that daily cortisol patterns (an indicator of stress) are linked to marital satisfaction for women but not men,” said co-author Rena Repetti, a UCLA professor in the department of psychology.
Men showed their cortisol levels drop dramatically after a busy day. Happily married women saw this benefit, but unhappily married women did not.
“Past research has found that men appear to get a health and longevity boost from marriage, while for women, being married is only beneficial insofar as the marriage is high-quality,” Repetti said. “This study is the first to point to daily cortisol fluctuations as a specific pathway through which marital quality affects health for women but not men.”
Repetti explains, “It may be that a chronically unhappy marriage creates multiple occasions everyday when the wife needs to mount a stress response, putting her cortisol levels on a kind of roller coaster ride. The system is under more wear and tear. It’s like driving a car in traffic conditions that are constantly stop and go. You need to repeatedly step on the gas and apply the brakes, step on the gas, apply the breaks. Over time, you create a less reliable system. You don’t stop and re-accelerate as quickly. You don’t recover as quickly.”
My thought is that women frequently care for those around them and don’t prioritize their own needs. Don’t let a heart attack be the first sign that you need to take better care of yourself and your emotional health. If you feel you have an unhappy marriage, please seek out a good marriage counselor.
What do you think about this connection between emotional health and heart health? You’ve heard of people who died of a broken heart—is your emotional heart closely connected with your heart health? What do you need to do to improve your emotional health and reduce stress levels?
Sources: News reports at CBC News, MSNBC.com and Scientific Blogging.
Categories: Family · Love · Marriage · Relationships
Tagged: benefits of marriage, cardiovascular, cortisol, emotional, Family, health news, health risk factors, heart, improve health, Love, marital satisfaction, Marriage, stress, stress reduction
The slumping economy is apparently causing infidelity and divorce rates to drop. A private investigator reported on CNN that infidelity cases have dropped 75% since the economy took a dive. Economic woes have also put a damper on divorce. Thirty-seven percent of lawyers surveyed by CNN reported fewer divorces in their caseload, but only because the couples couldn’t afford to split at the present time.
Perhaps it’s a good time to build up the good relationships in your life. Not because it’s economically feasible, but because you realize how fleeting much of your life and lifestyle can be.
Marriage counselor and author Gary Newman suggests the following to strengthen your marriage and to “affair-proof” your marriage: 1) Give your spouse admiration and appreciation. 2) Have more sex, and embrace the idea of giving and receiving intimacy and pleasure. “It’s about bringing out the best (in each other),” he says.
Many marriage experts also advise spouses to guard their hearts and their marriages from the temptation of straying. The vast majority of married individuals will likely admit to either flirting or being attracted to someone of the opposite sex during their marriage. Most of the time, it seems very harmless. But all too often, a friendly relationship turns into one of sharing deeper feelings, hopes and fears, developing an emotional connection, and perhaps leading to an affair. (It turns out emotional connection is the #1 reason for an affair.) If you even feel an attraction, be on guard, and talk to your spouse.
In “Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome,” author Nancy Anderson shares her experience of infidelity with a coworker early in her marriage. The affair began with complaining about her husband at work and having private lunches together with the coworker. It nearly ended her marriage. She and her husband now educate others on growing “affair-proof hedges” around their marriage. For example, all emails and correspondence must remain professional, never flirtatious. Talk about your spouse in positive terms letting others know you are happily married. In the book, she suggests group meetings rather than one-on-one meals with the opposite gender. While she was able to rebuild her marriage, many are not so fortunate. The warning: Don’t place yourself in vulnerable situations.
I believe the best prevention against affairs is maintaining the deep love that brought you together in the first place. Don’t let your job, your busy life, your children—or even the tough economy—divide you. Keep the dreams alive that brought you together.
Categories: Communication · Family · Love · Marriage · Relationships
Tagged: affair, affair-proof, causes of divorce, Divorce, economy, Family, infidelity, Marriage, strengthen marriage
