In my reader survey, one of the most popular topics was to learn more about maintaining intimacy in marriage. Often, that’s another way of saying, “How do we keep the spark alive?” But intimacy goes much further than the physical. I’m a firm believer of understanding the importance and depth of intimacy between a husband and wife.
By achieving intimacy, I’m talking about the concept of two people learning how to be vulnerable and “known” to one another and learning how to love one another fully. A blog I read regularly is Journey to Surrender, and Scott has some very helpful things to say in his post “What is intimacy?”.
He explains the progression of intimacy from spiritual intimacy to emotional intimacy to physical intimacy (including sex and non-sexual touching). When we start at one end and work toward physical intimacy, it creates a deeper bond and often a heightened physical experience (because the mind and emotions are participating). Scott has a lot more to say on the topic and provides a definition similar to my own: “Genuine intimacy comes from being fully known and completely loved.” Basically, we are free to be ourselves, and are loved without fear of rejection or judgement. That’s the really cool part of intimacy.
In a different post, Scott reminds us of the old adage that many of us find to be true in our marriages–that women need emotional intimacy as a prerequisite for physical intimacy, and men usually prefer the opposite order. Different individuals also view their needs for intimacy differently. So, it’s certainly worth discussing with your spouse after reading Viva La Difference, which explains the fruits of selfless giving, a way for you both to get your needs met without falling into the give-to-get routine, which is at best, difficult to sustain, and at worst, a road to resentment if your needs are not perfecty met.
Next week, I’ll be discussing 13 Keys to Unlocking Intimacy in Your Marriage by Tony & ALisa DiLorenzo, who describe other types of intimacy and means to achieve it. If you’re not yet a subscriber, just enter your email address in the right hand column of my home page, and you’ll get updated automatically. (Cancel anytime with one click.)
What do you think of when you hear “intimacy”? Is it long talks over candlelit dinners, sparks flying under the sheets or sharing spiritual insights together? Is it something different? How do you achieve true intimacy in your marriage?
Categories: Family · Love · Marriage · Relationships
Tagged: Marriage, Love, better marriage, intimacy, improving intimacy in marriage, intimacy in marriage, improving sexual intimacy in marriage, selfless giving
There’s a great new resource at popular relationship blog, YourTango that focuses on Traditional Love. I was thrilled to be asked to provide a guest post, and that post just published today. Wonderful readers that you are, I’d be most appreciative if you’d hop on over there and take a gander. The topic is something I have briefly discussed in the past, but the tips are all new. Read about how to make your marriage a higher priority than the other demands in your life, including your (wonderful but demanding) kids. Learn how to find hidden time to spend together and reconnect. Thanks so much.
Categories: Family · Love · Marriage · Parenting · Relationships
Tagged: balancing kids and marriage, better marriage, Marriage, should marriage or kids take top priority?
I had the pleasure recently of interviewing a pro-marriage counselor whom I know personally and respect immensely. Timothy Heck, PhD, is founder of Family Counseling Associates in Indianapolis. He’s a Christian counselor with a pro-marriage perspective. What’s a pro-marriage counselor, and what’s the alternative? A pro-marriage counselor is a therapist who is not neutral about the marriage—one who actively advocates for the marriage, not for one or both individuals.
If I were going to choose a marriage counselor, I would insist on someone who would fight for my marriage, not just convince me that I deserve to be happy. Too often in the U.S., that is not the type of counselor you will find.
The mental health field has been strongly influenced by the sociological movements of the last 50 years, says Dr. Heck. Some of the influences have been helpful, such as the balancing of power and respect in the relationship between males and females. Other influences have been negative, he adds, such as the widespread belief that marriage is a dispensable commodity that merely serves to meet an individual’s needs. “It has been reduced to a cost/benefit analysis,” he adds. “A lot of therapy buys into that quid pro quo.” Dr. Heck says while this strategy may work in some cases, it doesn’t work when both spouses are not motivated to do what is needed to meet the other’s needs.
Dr. Heck says when choosing a therapist, it’s important for couples to know the counselor’s value system up front. “Every therapist has a value system that needs to be considered an announced, so the client may go in with informed consent,” he explains. Many—surveys say most—therapists in the U.S. have a value system that prioritizes the health of the individual over the health of the marital relationship. Within a Christian/Catholic worldview, Dr. Heck says the marriage relationship would be every bit as important as the individuals’ wellbeing. “That’s the position I take,” he says.
Non-Christians are welcome at Dr. Heck’s Family Counseling practice, and while his faith is normally part of his work, it can be behind the scenes when the patient prefers. Most patients prefer to integrate faith into their sessions, but his worldview always shapes his work with couples, and he integrates psychology with his faith. “I’m going to work very hard to maintain and reconcile the relationship, believing that it is to the benefit of the partners and their children. It’s even best for the community—socially and economically,” says Dr. Heck.
Dr. Heck’s advice is exactly in line with the advice found in Take Back Your Marriage by William J. Doherty, PhD (one of my favorite marriage books). You can download two chapters from his web site for free here. Dr. Doherty doesn’t come at the topic from a faith-based approach, but he lands at the same point. Dr. Doherty says in his book, “If you talk to a therapist in the United States, I believe that you stand a good risk of harming your marriage.” His caveat is that is he a therapist and encourages therapy, but the right kind of therapy with the right kind of therapist—one who is committed to excellence in practice and who believes in marriage.
Dr. Doherty warns there are several big problems to watch out for in therapists: incompetent therapists who are not trained and experienced to work with couples, neutral therapists (which the majority of marriage and family therapists report themselves to be) who only help you weigh gain and loss, and therapists who see only pathology. In other words, they diagnose without helping, leading you to hopelessness or fatalism. He says a fourth type of therapist actively undermines the marriage by subtlely or overtly encouraging you to end the marriage. (“I can’t believe you’re still married to him.”) The last type of problem therapist he mentions is the one who gives direct advice, which is against the code of ethics. (“I think you need a separation.”)
Following are some of the tips for choosing a therapist from Dr. Doherty’s book:
• The therapist does not take sides, but is caring to both of you.
• The therapist actively tries to help your marriage and communicates hope that you solve your marital problems. This goes beyond just clarifying problems.
• The therapist offers reasonable and helpful perspectives and specific strategies for changing the relationship.
• The therapist does not allow you and your spouse to engage in repeated angry exchanges during the session.
• The therapist is alert to individual matters (addiction, illness, abuse, etc.)
• Although the therapist may explore your family backgrounds, the focus is on how to deal with your current marital problems rather than just on insight into how you developed these problems. (There are more tips, but that gives you a few. I highly recommend chapter 6 in Take Back Your Marriage for more complete advice.)
Have you had experience—good or bad—with a marriage counselor? Are you open to seeing a therapist if you feel your marriage could benefit?
Categories: Books · Divorce · Family · Marriage · Relationships
Tagged: Marriage, Divorce, Family, marriage counseling, marriage therapist, finding a good marriage therapist, how to find a pro-marriage therapist, what is a pro-marriage therapist, tips for finding a good therapist, William Doherty, Tim Heck, Take Back Your Marriage, counseling
Well, that should be all of you, then, because we ALL have conflict in our relationships. (If you don’t, that’s also a problem. Read Avoid Divorce with 5:1 Ratio.) And hopefully we have learned that not all conflict is bad, because it can help us improve situations where one or both of us isn’t feeling satisfied. Conflict helps us clear the air. That being said, conflict in marriage sometimes really stinks. We can’t wait to get over it, and we know we can’t always avoid it.
Let’s assume you aren’t expecting too much of your spouse, and realize your spouse can’t meet all your needs. You’ve already tried the four no-talking tools to boost your relationship. But you continue to quarrel. Here’s another idea to try during a disagreement. The suggestion is followed by some strong relationship research reminders thanks to all those love doctors out there.
The first tip is from personal experience. There are times when talking things out just get too heated, or you don’t feel like you are expressing yourself in the way you mean to. Or your spouse keeps interrupting to give his/her side (that’s a no-no, folks). Anyway, I’ve found typing out an email expressing my feelings or frustrations is sometimes easier than speaking them. (I’ve also written notes, but typing is faster for me.) I can read them to make sure I’m saying what I mean and using “I” language rather than accusatory “you” language. Then my spouse has time to think before responding, to consider my feelings and either email back or talk to me about it. Usually after a few emails back and forth, we have come to an agreement or at least have acknowledged where each of us is coming from. I wouldn’t recommend texting for the same purpose, because we don’t think long enough before sending texts, and they are written for speed more than for clarity of communication. Even if you want to have the discussion in person, it may help you to jot down your key points or concerns.
Whether you are writing or speaking about an area of conflict, remember that how you begin a fight determines whether it’s harmful or productive. Choose the right time and place, and plan your opening statement carefully.
Even if you are not at a crisis stage right now, think about how you would react in a crisis. Remain calm and try to keep the balance of power in your relationship on even terms (more on this in a later post).
Finally, remember that listening will get you much further than talking. With the right listening skills, you can learn to reach your spouse on any topic. Read 10 Great Tips to Get Through to Your Spouse for some insightful strategies to reach out to children, friends or marriage partners.
Have you ever worked through a conflict by writing down your concerns? Did it work well or fail? Do you have any other useful conflict management strategies to share?
Categories: Communication · Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage · Marriage Research · Relationships
Tagged: Communication, Marriage, Love, Family, conflict, Marriage Research, listening, better listening, conflict in marriage, avoid divorce, conflict can be helpful, communication tools
Here’s a groovy, sweet new song about celebrating 15 years of marriage, something my dear hubby and I are preparing to do this fall. It’s called Dancing in the Minefield by Andrew Peterson from the album Counting Stars (out next week). I identify with so many of the lyrics:
We said our vows and took the leap now 15 years ago.
To lose your life for another I’ve heard is a good place to begin…and I believe it’s an easy price for the life that we have found.
We went dancing in the minefields; we went sailing in the storms.
It was harder than we ever dreamed, but I believe that’s what the promise is for.
Listen to the song on YouTube.
Do you relate to the poetry of the song? Is marriage harder than you ever dreamed but an easy price for the life you have found? Or do you disagree and think it’s smooth sailing? (If the latter, please tell us if you’re a newlywed!)
Categories: Love · Marriage
Tagged: Andrew Peterson, Christian music, Counting Stars, marriage song, romantic song about marriage, sacrificial marriage, song
I’ve had several comments regarding the Marriage/Babies Won’t Fix Relationship Problems post that led me to clarify my thoughts on how children may affect a relationship. My earlier point stated that if you have a rocky relationship, a baby will not magically repair the relationship. It’s important to point out that children do not “cause” relationship problems. Stress coming from many different directions (demanding jobs, frequent travel, conflict with parents) can simply magnify the cracks in your relationship.
But children don’t necessarily cause stress or strife, particularly in strong marriages in which children are desired. On the contrary, it’s my feeling that a strong relationship can be made stronger when children enter the family. The year after the firstborn isn’t always difficult (although research shows it is a challenge for many couples). My own experience after my first child was born was quite the opposite. My husband and I experienced a real “high” for at least a month following his birth, and a closeness following that-based on our new shared role as parents and our intense love for our child. Children are a blessing, not a bother. But they do require a realistic look at your lives to determine how they will be properly cared for and how you will simultaneously manage your other responsibilities.
The first year after my second child was born was very stressful for my husband and for me, because unlike our first, our second child very rarely slept through the night until she was two and a half. She required more energy during the day as well, something we were lacking due to sleepless nights. Essentially, we felt like we were competing to have our basic needs met, and we didn’t have close family members to rely on for backup. We hadn’t really anticipated feeling this way since our first baby was so easy. But after we got through it, it also made us feel like a unified team. We love both of our children equally and feel extremely fortunate to have them in our lives. The love we feel for them and they feel for us is priceless. The laughter and joy they add to our home can’t be measured.
Still, we struggle with making time for the two of us, and as they are now school-aged, with not making our family life all about their activities. More tips on that topic to come! Also read: How Does the Arrival of Children Affect the Quality of the Marriage?
One of the keys to getting past a rough period in a marriage is being able to see to the other side of the dip in satisfaction you may be experiencing. Researchers refer to the dip as a U-shaped curve, with the lower portion sometimes passing through career-building and childrearing. If you missed this post, read Author’s Secret to a Long-Lasting Marriage, which explains the common trajectory of marriage and the good news for couples who make it to the other side of the U.
For those of you who are parents, was that first year after your children were born stressful or joyful? Was it worthwhile? For couples who do not yet have children, do you fear what they might do to your relationship? Do you fear not having time for yourself, your hobbies or job? Do you hear parents talking negatively about their parental responsibilities?
Categories: Family · Love · Marriage · Parenting · Relationships
Tagged: better marriage, improve marriage, Family, parents, babies, marital transitions, new parents, marital happiness, surviving marital crisis, higher marital satisfaction, marriage and children, how babies affect marriage, stress and parenting, new babies, balancing parenting and other responsibilities, U-shaped curve, marital satisfaction changes
These might fall under the category of “duh” but I consider them reminders worth repeating, so I’ll pass along:
If you’re engaged, and you think marriage will resolve problems in your relationship, sorry Charlie. Marriage generally magnifies–rather than diminishes–conflict or disputes. Do yourself a favor and hash out your differences in premarital counseling, allowing your marriage to flourish rather than crash and burn. Don’t be shy about it. Every couple has conflict; the ones who last merely learned how to move past them.
Secondly, despite the hopes of the young and naive, having a baby isn’t the solution to a rocky relationship. Quite the contrary, in fact. The year after the first child is born is generally one of the most stressful times for a couple. Take the time to work out your issues before taking the parenting plunge–or before having another child. (While you’re at it, be sure you’ve agreed on how you’ll handle childcare, work and home responsibilities.) For stable couples, parenting can be a complete joy, but for couples in conflict, the lack of time and sleep only exacerbate marital woes and may worsen feelings of anger and ambivalence.
Do you have experiences to share about these or other lessons learned prior to taking the next “big step” in your relationship? What do you wish you had known before you married or as a newlywed?
Categories: Communication · Divorce · Love · Marriage · Parenting · Relationships
Tagged: better marriage, prevent divorce, new parents, marriage warnings, wedding, newlywed, when to have children, when not to have children, marriage preparation, parenting preparation
I recall a friend who was about to file for a divorce expressing how she would be financially better off after she divorced her husband. A friend of hers had put this idea in her head, and she believed it without question. Since she and her husband fought frequently about money, she thought she would have more freedom with her finances after they were separated. Sadly, that was not the case; the divorce only compounded their financial problems, and she filed for bankruptcy soon after. This example is only to say: Don’t believe everything you hear. The effects of divorce can’t always be predicted, and there are many misunderstandings surrounding divorce.
Following are a couple of myths about divorce. These come from David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project, and a professor of sociology at Rutgers University.
Myth: Following divorce, the woman’s standard of living plummets by 73 percent while the man’s standard of living improves by 42 percent.
Fact: This widely publicized statistic was based on a faulty calculation. The data was recalculated to show a 27 percent loss in standard of living for women, and a 10 percent gain for men. Popenoe says the gender gap post-divorce is real, and hasn’t narrowed much since the study was done decades ago.
Perhaps the perception of financial gain leads people to believe the following untruth…
Myth: It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings.
Fact: Two-thirds of divorces are actually initiated by women. However, child custody and divorce laws in each state influence these numbers. States in which women have a better chance at retaining full custody of children have higher rates of women initiating divorce proceedings. In states where there is a presumption of shared custody with the husband, the percentage of women who initiate divorces is much lower, says Popenoe. While women more frequently file for divorce, men are more likely to have problems with drinking, drug abuse, and infidelity (which may lead her to want the divorce in the first place). So, let’s not “blame” women for divorces, folks.
Myth: Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing.
Fact: Popenoe reports many studies have concluded those who live together before marriage have considerably higher rates of divorce.
Myth: When parents don’t get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together.
Fact: Studies show that while marital unhappiness does negatively affect children, so does divorce. For two-thirds of familes in low-conflict homes, the children’s situation only worsens after the divorce. They are better off if the parents stay together and work out their problems. Studies show only those in very high-conflict homes benefit from “the conflict removal that divorce may bring.”
If you’re interested in more setting the record straight, read Popenoe’s other Myths and Facts about Divorce.
Perhaps spreading misinformation is one of the reasons why Divorce is Contagious? What rumors have you heard about the effects or causes of divorce? Have you questioned the veracity of rumors like these?
Categories: Divorce · Family · Marriage · Marriage Research
Tagged: Marriage, cohabitation, Divorce, better marriage, Marriage Research, reasons for divorce, divorce research, divorce myths, debunking divorce myths, children after divorce, National Marriage Project, financial impact of divorce, standard of living after divorce
Most people who go to marriage counseling are secretly hoping the therapist will change their spouse, says Harriet Lerner, PhD. Of course they do. We all think we are right, don’t we? There may be a few who have acted egregiously and know they are in the wrong, but usually we are certain we are upholding more than our end of the bargain.
Instead of being focused on our spouse’s behavior or attitude, we should focus on ourselves, says Lerner, who writes for Psychology Today and has appeared on CNN and Oprah.
“Change will not happen until at least one person takes his or her blaming or worried focus off their spouse and puts it back on himself or herself,” she says, adding, “Self-focus is not the same as self-blame.” It’s an important point to not blame ourselves as much as to look at how we are a contributor to the good and bad parts of the relationship. Lerner says our energy is best spent observing, clarifying, and changing our own part in relationship patterns.
Our partner may choose to also change his or her patterns, but won’t do that through our criticizing and diagnosing their issues. He or she might consider it after seeing us take responsibility for our part.
As an example, if you feel slighted by something your spouse did, and you begin to withdraw, withhold affection and concentrate solely on the children, you both become part of the problem. It would be better to address your feelings directly rather than compound the problem with “punishments.”
I’ll close this post with a link to a story, a parable really, that I think is deceptively simple and holds a great deal of truth. It has to do with understanding that love is a decision. (Interestingly, Is Love a Decision or a Feeling? is the most searched topic on my blog. ) Anyway, the tale is included in a post called How to Fall Back in Love by Gina Parris. If you read the story, you’ll understand why I included it here.
Some of you may say you are in the midst of a dispute in which you are truly in the right, and your spouse is the biggest jerk ever. Yes, there are times when we can do everything right and be the most loving spouse, work to improve ourselves, and find we are married to someone who won’t budge. In those rare cases (and I do think these would be quite rare), at least we won’t have any regrets. Read the story. Follow the advice, and see how things work out.
All that being said, the next time I have a marital dispute, I’m sure I will still think I’m right! So, it will take some effort for me to evaluate my own actions before blaming my spouse. How are you at this? Any tips you have learned over the years?
Source: Quotes taken from Creating a Marriage You’ll Love, a collection of marriage essays.
Categories: Communication · Divorce · Family · Love · Marriage · Relationships
Tagged: argument, better marriage, blaming spouse, Family, improve marriage, is love a feeling or decision, Love, love is a decision, marital dispute, Marriage, prevent divorce, relationship problems, self-blame, what is love
In my reader survey, one of the most popular topics was to learn more about maintaining intimacy in marriage. Often, that’s another way of saying, “How do we keep the spark alive?” But intimacy goes much further than the physical. I’m a firm believer of understanding the importance and depth of intimacy between a husband and wife.
